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Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Selfies and the art of beauty maintenance

I found pictures I thought were lost from the years 2008 through 2013.  Many of them were selfies or pictures with someone I dated.  Many are from ultras or Death Races and when I found them I realized 
I didn't look half bad.....
It made me laugh
albeit ruefully

I lost a great deal due to my BDD and OCD....
to look back on that time of my life I see now there was NOTHING wrong with my body...
it was all in my head
that is somewhat heartbreaking...
If I felt regret...it would be about the things I lost due to years of
self focus
self absorption
and
self hatred....

what
a
waste

During that time these pictures were taken I was dealing with OCD and BDD....
what I looked like on the outside had a huge impact on how I felt on the inside.
Its funny...
for someone who hated the way they looked...
I sure have a lot of pictures of myself.

People with BDD obviously are obsessed with a certain part of themselves...you aren't narcissistic BUT you have things in common with someone who is.  You are so focused on what you dislike about yourself you make decisions about all aspects of your life based on that one thing you obsess and hate...
in my case it was my stomach.

If I felt bloated or if my stomach protruded the slightest I would spiral quickly downward both physically and emotionally and sadly this affected my social life and people I loved.
I would cancel any engagements that involved any social situations.  Especially any that involved eating or drinking.  I would usually use some sort of over the counter stimulant such as caffeine or diet pills while at the same time taking a liquid enema like the kind you buy at CVS (the person at the counter must have assumed I had a boat load of colonoscopies!) and then I would excessively exercise until I felt the bloat was significantly decreased.
Now you can only imagine the havoc this wreaked on my poor body...
a body that had a serious health crisis to deal with...
I spent more time fretting about being fat then I did about my cancer.

I was so self absorbed.  so anxious and out of control...
I would break promises and ignore commitments because it interrupted my ability to exercise or avoid food. I broke up with a wonderful man because life on his boat with his children (which was amazing and to anyone normal so much fun) made it difficult for me to stay scary skinny and to run (I would sleep on the boat in the yacht club get up super early and run 20 miles before he and the kids even woke up).  Running and food were constantly on my mind...if I ran my stomach would not look bloated and I could eat food...If I didn't run I had to deny myself food and drink for fear it would make my stomach stick out (which I actually believed was belly FAT).
sigh
so much anxiety
so much time wasted
so many tears
so much loss
all
because
of
my
stomach...

I rarely take pictures of myself anymore.

I never look in the mirror anymore
and hate what I see.....
in fact I barely look in the mirror...
I now know just who is going to be looking back at me and we are all good.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Training....aka "I did it my way"

This weekend and the start of this week I feel like I have my head wrapped around my training...
and by
my training
I mean
MY TRAINING!
as in
I am in charge of this adventure.

I have in the past been a compulsive exerciser
who read all the silly Muscle and Fitness magazines
and
ran incessantly
and
that DID NOT work out for me.
I was just skinny and tired and sick all the time.

Things are different now.
Two years off from any real competitions.
Signing up but never running races with bibs or running on my own time (before or after race).
I feel like I am ready to race
but
only a few races
Back to shorter trail races with a few ultras thrown in (far between one another)

Training is not my life.
I have my art, my garden, my writing all of these things are just as important to me as racing and competition.
So training can no longer be an all day affair...

Saturday morning at 7 am I ran one of Julie's hilly Wachusett runs (this one included the mtn) around 10 miles...I was home by 10 am
Sunday a FAST 10 miler with Bob around Whitehall to include all the side trails. We were done by 10 as well...the rest of the day was ours.

Mondays are yucky...especially rainy ones...
but I still got up at the 4:15 alarm to hit Crossfit.
Once there though I did my own workout.
Instead of squat snatches (which I can't do because of my shoulder issues) I took the 30 minutes of the warm up and snatching to use the assault bike and dumbbells. I would go back and forth between 8 shoulder presses or 10 chest presses and 8 cal on the bike.  When I was done I had ridden 6 miles and my chest and shoulders were feeling the high number of reps.
For the 10 minute WOD I did 21, 15, 9 doing front squats with 45 lb KB (instead of OHS) and strict pull ups (I can't kip and I am way past jumping pull ups).  The strict pull ups were so hard!  I could bang out like 3-4 and then rest 5 to 10 seconds.  I would rather be one of the last people to finish knowing that I challenged myself then being the first one done because I do what I am good at or what is comfortable.  I like to go 3-4 times during the week and then dbls on Saturday (7am and then 10:15 masters)

In terms of racing in June I have two- three races  I plan on doing. All three are on Sunday and all three are about half marathon distance trail runs.  I have VT 100 In July.  Moosalamoo 36 with Finn in August as well as MMD and maybe just maybe one 24 OCR course.  The rest of my summer (during the week and weekends) I plan on upping my hiking and fastpacking.

It really is quality now instead of quantity.  I would rather spend time with some of my old school trail running friends then be at a crazy endurance event with a crap load of gear needed and hoopla up the wazoo.
NO HOOPLA
i am tired of hoopla : )





Friday, June 2, 2017

Preparing my pack aka Finn and I will be rambling

I just finished preparing my old AR pack for a certain multi day race, but due to unforseen circumstances
I couldn't attend.
Now I have a pack full of stuff pretty much ready for 72 or more hours playing in the woods.
What is a girl to do?
Well she and Finn can hike the Monadnock Sunapee trail!
I have been dying to run it for time, but I am so not in shape right now...maybe fall but in the meantime it is a perfect trail to do with Finn...
Fifty something miles from Monadnock to Sunapee...
https://www.msgtc.org/
that is a drop in the bucket for Finn.

I have missed hiking and fastpacking.  I spent days wandering in the woods when I lived alone.  I miss the quiet and the beauty of being able to stop and actually take in my surroundings which has been lacking in ultras and certainly does not make itself available in crossfit!  I have not been to the whites in over a year and it's hard to believe that my original love has been so far removed these past five years.
I think for quote a long time I chose to surround myself with noise...
mostly from other people...
I don't mean to blame others...
it is not as if they were yelling in my face...
It is hard to explain
I guess I was like those water bugs that skate across the lake early in the morning....
that was me..
skimming along the surface of things.
Never going deeper...playing dumb...too bored and lazy to face my own thoughts and feelings...
I focused on others...

sleepwalking

It is really easy to avoid your own issues and what you need to work on when you are inundated with others failures and successes.  It is so easy to compare yourself to others and waste time that should be spent looking within.....focusing on everything but you.

Hiking is for me a very reflective pastime...it has never been a "sport" ultrarunning is a sport hiking and fastpacking to me are not.  They can become a sport if you get caught up in all the FKT sh@t.  There may be a day that I want to challenge myself but not to compare the results with anyone else.

For now I want to find newts on the trail and take the time to say hello.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

If a tree falls....aka no more "likes"

Bob is in Denver.
I guess he went to a CF box there and had an accident...
cut his chin and required stitches...
I knew nothing about it...
why?
because he didn't call or text me
he posted it to FB
and
I am not on FB.

I was angry with him
(obviously)
when I finally heard from him this morning
why would you post to FB but not text or call me!

He responded
(also slightly angry)
I knew you would be asleep and not see the text or hear the phone.

This is true...
I was asleep
and
my phone hasn't made a noise in over a year
hence I never hear it ring...
(Bob has been telling me to get a new phone
for over a year but to me the phone still works well enough)

So even though he is technically right...
I still find it disturbing
that everyone on FB knew he was hurt
before
me.
I will get over it...


The things you learn on social media
do not include the backstories...
and
I believe that is what I am missing
knowing people's backstories
and you can't learn those
without putting in real time and effort into a friendship...

I have met people in real life
who I enjoy the company of
and
have great conversations
but
whose FB personalities
are
well
awful...

I can be anyone I want on social media
(to be honest so it is with Blogging)
I think it is only through someone interacting with me directly do they REALLY begin to know me...

and yet
for some reason
my blog has allowed me to be true to me
I can share things here
that I would not necessarily share in person

I am not sure why....

maybe it is because so few people read it
most people stumble on it
it takes time and energy to read someone's blog
it does not to read a quick post..
so the people who read my words actually care about what I have to say...

I am not here to impress anyone
or sell myself
FB for some reason made me a court jester
It is not my job to always be silly and funny and happy
because I am not...

Likes only came for stupid sh#t I did or said
not for anything that I commented on that made a difference
so
that shows me
most people do not want to know
me
so why waste my energy?

It feels good to write that...
I will do things
for the right reasons
and
not for anyone's likes

I think this will help me feel less
empty
blah blah blah
can I do things
without needed approval from others?
we
shall
see....

if a tree falls in the woods and I dont write about it on FB.........












Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Facebook has made me stupid.....aka I have had nothing important to say for two years

Before FB
I was a writer...
I have had journals in my life since I was a child...
blogging under Trailgrrl started in 2006....
I shared my shattered heart with anyone who clicked on the page...
Brutally Honest
that was all that mattered.
no matter how broken and bloodied I was when i pressed Publish...
Two years ago
I pretty much stopped
doing
thinking
living

My interactions started to be more so by FB then any other medium...
not face to face,
 not journaling or writing
not talking with KZ for hours each night
not running with Julie and always finding something new to say...
nope
i
became
stupid

I have bored myself silly for two years
stupid posts
I am the monkey in the cage
look at me!
look at me!
I am a silly bastard
laugh at me
LAUGH
otherwise it is too quiet
I was tired of the quiet
or so I thought...
What I am really tired of
is throwing poo...


If you want me
you can find me here....