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Saturday, October 29, 2016

Dear Lillian

You rarely come to school...
when you do....
well....you can't make it through a full class period.
The hallway table
The girls bathroom
safe spaces
away from all of us...

When you come to class
I am happy..
you have a beautiful smile
and a lovely voice
I don't think you realize this about yourself
your hair often falls into your face
hiding.

I like to talk with you
about what you are reading
or what makes you happy
I wish you would come more often
I wish you would stay longer.

You can't be with them
for some reason
you just can't be around your peers.
I watch them around you
they don't dislike you
I think they are afraid of you.
They don't understand why things are so hard for you...
what do you know about being 13 that they don't?
Why is it just so hard
so painful
are they missing something?

You were reading the book
you sat outside the lunchroom on the floor
I was on my way to a meeting
I was happy to see you...to talk with you..
you seemed happy too.

You told me about the book..
the girl in it...
she wouldn't eat..
no one understood why...
I told you something..."I know her"
you said, "you do?"
I said, "I was her".
You said nothing for a bit
you looked down at your book and then
you looked at me and said,
"Do you want to read it after me?
I nodded yes..

The vice principal saw me and came over to say hello.
You turned away back into your book..
I went to my meeting.

Dear Lillian
I wish I could tell you it will get better..
I wish I could tell you it will get better and that you would believe me..

It is my job to teach you the engineering design process
to help you master criteria and constraints
to use what you have learned in math and science to solve problems
to try to make the world a better place....

no knowledge no skill or tool I have at my disposal can help you..
what I think you need is for the adults around you
to not forget
what it was like
when they were 13...

I promise you Lillian
I will never belittle the things that tear at your 13 year old heart...
I don't know how to help you...
but
I will always ask you
about the book your reading.

Miss Roy













Monday, May 30, 2016

gniega backwards aka ageing backwards...

The day I buried my youth I grew twenty years younger
George Sand

I absolutely love that..it speaks to me and it puts into words what I am feeling as I move beyond my mid 40's...
I
have
begun
to age
backwards

If youth is supposed to be the carefree time of your life
well hell...no one bothered to tell me!
or if they did

I knew in my heart it was easier to tell me that
than the truth..

I can honestly say
looking back...
that the good outweighed the bad
and yet
I never really felt comfortable in my own skin
that is until now...

I have no problem asking a restaurant with outdoor seating if Finny can join us...
this afternoon as the sun began to break through the clouds I sipped my prosecco and enjoyed my crab cake while Finny drank from our glasses of ice water at our feet...nearby a couple argued as I rubbed the inside of Finny's ear intently
I never realized they needed privacy for their lovers quarrel...

perfect

I am running better than I have in a long time..racing Bob through the trails I was neck and neck with him pushing myself past my so called comfort zone only to realize my comfort zone has yet to truly be established....

My 50 dollar vacuum broke
I have had it for 3 years
I decided to throw away this relic vacuum....
I bought a ten dollar wooden broom
and a metal dust pan for 5...
have you ever tried sweeping
vs
vacuuming?
I can promise you
it makes a chore
become a time of contemplation...
I will never buy a vacuum again...

I hug my students when they need a hug...
I DARE anyone to question why...
I WILL never again fear the media
fear society so much so that I do the exact OPPOSITE of what is right and true..
Call me out
I dare you to try to prove
the best interests of my students
are NOT
the basis for every action I take as an educator...
I am not afraid of standing up for what I believe in...
I wear pigtails to work.....

I will never send a child to the office..
I will keep them with me
proving
no matter how HARD they try
I will never give up on them...

I am a teacher
and there is nothing I do in the act of teaching that is for me...
I am second....
I am the background....
I am the concrete foundation no one sees...
they are the reclaimed walnut boards
they feel the slippered feet of young girls dancing
I am closer to the cold dark ground
this is where I am at my best...

I
Will
Lift
You
Up

That is my promise

Do not tell me this or that person is worthy of my regard
because they decide to shout their feats from the rafters...
I choose the silent ones
the ones left unattended as they push the limits of themselves....
for no ones benefit
for no fan fare

For them I will give a piece of my heart
and
ask nothing in return...

I do only what I love
I choose only what pleases me
I surround myself only with my joy.... my bliss.....
what you do is for you and none of my business I wish you well in your journey
but
it matters not in mine...
our paths may cross
and for a time we may walk side by side
but the journey does not depend on any one person seeing it to the end
but
me

I look in the mirror and I see
grace....

I am aging backwards
















Tuesday, May 24, 2016

looking forward....

This blog has been pretty dormant for the past year maybe two...only a few posts and they have been few and far between.

I started running again this past weekend...
I will run today.
I will run because I want to run and not because I feel it is what "I am supposed to do".
I no longer call myself a runner...
I am just Michelle
and I just feel like running again.

It will be different this time around...
almost 10 years of my life I defined myself as first
a trail runner
than
an ultra runner
than
a death racer
I am 46 and for the first time in my life I don't feel the need to put myself in a box for my own understanding or so that any of you reading this will "get me".
You don't need to get me..and it is pretty self absorbing to think that it is important that you do...
nah...do what I like follow my honor code and if others around me are similar in their beliefs great and if not no worries it's allllll good.

It has been quite a long journey to get to this point, but now that I am here I have found I don't need to or even want to look back...
Nothing I have done in the past is worth recycling for the now..
I consider most of it pretty organic and so it will decompose and be no more
so from this point on I plan on a new mantra...
the mantra of me
Michelle
a person who no longer needs to be defined by any one thing and who has decided to only do what I like and what I feel good about and all the other muck well that will be thrown in the trash...
that stuff is like styrofoam....
not much you can do with it as it pretty much comes into its existence as waste.
Kinda like  some of the things in the past that I thought were
real
right
good
and they turned out to be as bad as Drano...
it may get rid of the plug of crap but it will have long standing effects in the future when it makes its way back to us...
so I no longer use Drano...
poison in and poison out
Nope
simplify
Now i just stop any clogs from happening in the first place.

Things I love (not including people)
when kids "are in it" when learning
Joe's & Matt's mtn
The Stone Stairs
Peak races
a myriad of trails throughout New England
my books
memoirs written by women in touch with the natural world and themselves
repurposing
pigtails
being 46
less time shopping for stuff and more time finding someone else's discarded stuff
my running and hiking packs
my Altras
sundresses for a dollar
fastpacking trails with Finny
bare feet
bracelets made and gifted to me from Mollie
used clothing stores
used book stores
farmers markets
sleeping outside
dirt under my fingernails
exhaustion from hard work
warm stout at Puddys
my Buddah garden
cookie dough Quest bars
crossfit
and I am happy to say
running trails long short hilly flat
no matter...just running for the sake of running.

It feels really good to be happy
if feels really good to forgive
and even better
to forget any negative experiences of my past
I now choose to be around people and places and things I love
all the other stuff...
I will just walk on by....






Sunday, January 3, 2016

Robert Kull writes:

"In Buddhism, one takes refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha.  Who is my guide and inspiration: who do I lean on that has wandered this pathless land before?" 

My Buddha are those that walk along the path paved by integrity, honor and humility.
My Dharma?  My source of knowledge and understanding?  There are many:  the wisdom of Bernd Heinrich, the Sartons both father and daughter, Kerouac, my mother.  Who is my Sangha, my community of fellow journeyers? This is something I am not as sure about....

I think I need to define my community and that will not happen until I have given myself the chance to map my course...




Friday, January 1, 2016

1/1/2016 3:20 pm

No need to discuss the past.
I don't think back anymore.

I like wine.
I like a nice meal
I eat pretty much what I want if I am hungry.
I do CF 5 days a week
I commute by foot
I run
Food is not just energy
it is as enjoyable as a good book
a glass of pinot

Only eat when you are hungry
do not use food
as a security blanket
but if you do
own it
and then move forward

I weigh 115
I fit into jeans I wore when I was 30
I am 46
I have muscles
I am strong
my muscles make my wrinkles
a non issue
I look fine
more important than what I look like
I FEEL good...
mentally and physically and emotionally
I am just a happy person..
I exercise because it's fun
I eat what I enjoy
what tastes good
and what does not make my body feel bad or sluggish...
I eat to live but I also ENJOY what I eat...

Wine is good
in moderation
I would rather spend 20-50 bucks on wine and enjoy one small glass a night than spend 10-15 and enjoy 2-3 large ones.
Quality not quantity...

2016
no resolutions
I don't need them
I will just continue on...
the path I am taking is a good one.

I have nothing to prove
I have done it all
and before it was
cool
to do it...
yep no need to look back
I am one of those women who pave the way
feel free to follow my lead.