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Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Barkley 2015

I showed up Friday at midnight
the next day I ran a loop and got all 12 pages I needed
and then the bugle was played at the yellow gate
as I had been an hour over the cutoff returning
I got in my rental car
headed to the airport
had to stop
fell asleep on side of the road
got woken up by a cop
made it to the airport
and flew home

I learned some things..
you can take em to heart 
or ignore them
doesn't really matter to me

1) You can show up at midnight the night of the race, its not smart but it wont affect your chance of finishing...well unless you miss the bugle...
2) You don't need any fancy gear to finish in fact gear won't matter in the least
3) People on the Barkley list can be bullies 
4) Most people on the Barkley list don't like bullies (but they would rather tell you that privately then say that on the list) 
5) People all have their own personal connection to Barkley, and for some people on the list 
well they like to tell you that yours is wrong 
(which I find really funny)
telling a person their PERSONAL reason for being there isn't good enough...
kills me : )  
I thought I was an idiot...nah I am Einstein compared to some.
6) laz is actually a really nice guy and he does a sh%t load of work to make this happen
7) If you think you can finish Barkley you are sorely mistaken
8) You are not prepared to run Barkley until you actually run Barkley and fail and even then you still aren't ever really prepared to run Barkley.
9) If you want to run this race for bragging rights or to check off a bucket list item I would have in the past said "don't bother the race is not for you" 
but now I say...
YES do try to run the race!!!!
The fact that you will fail will probably do you some good...
teach you humility..
Barkley doesn't really eat its young...
it plays with you like a cat does with a mouse..
if your lucky you will just give in and lie there in defeat 
it will get tired of you and turn its attention away 
in that second you can crawl to safety...
but you will NEVER be the same.
So yes
sign up for Barkley
Write your essay sharing all your accomplishments 
and tell laz it will be YOU that finishes 
that you NEVER give up
that Barkley has been waiting for someone like you to attempt it...
lick your wounds
and then 
smarten up...

My personal time on the course was horrifyingly fantastic 
but it was MY time
you don't need to hear it
if you want
go and try to have your own personal connection to Barkley
but know this
people will tell you 
A) you don't have a right
B) you are not worthy
C) other really stupid stuff
my advice..
ignore them
listen to the ones who email you off list
the ones who write
have fun
run your race
do what you can
be thankful for the experience"

Did it change me?
it made me realize
people can be jerks
they can also be the kind of person you want to climb Rat Jaw with.....

Sunday, March 15, 2015

popcorn for dinner

Had my first run since injuring my ankle at the 100 mile snowshoe.  The area around my ankle is still a puffy fluid filled mess can you say cankle?

BUT I managed to run/walk 10 miles with Finny and do a 3 mile hill run on treadmill at 15 elevation...doing 15 minute miles at that elevation on the treadmill is NOT enjoyable but it is worth doing in my book.


I am just tired of it..
the talking that is..
not the doing...

It's not that I don't care
It's just that I don't care..

I don't feel the need for outside accolades...I guess I don't care if people like me or not
The small handful of you that actually read this blog..well most of you have been reading it on and off since I started it over 7 years ago...
I deleted the earliest 3 years of my blog..
to be honest I couldn't tell you why...
probably the same reason I burned everything I carried with me from age 5 to age 43..
probably the same reason I deleted every photo album from my computer...
probably the same reason I deleted my FB account without backing up a single picture...
Its just a waste of time.
I already lived through it..
no use crying over spilled milk
and certainly no reason to care what any person thinks about the 45 years I have been on this planet..

When I am through with my life I will probably have deleted permanently and or burned  most things that would tell the story of me
I mean seriously
who honestly needs to know the story of me when I am gone?

I don't care about accomplishments any more...
awards, trophies, medals, articles
none of it matters
I don't want to be known through any of the things accomplished in my past
that person no longer exists...
so what she did no longer holds any weight
its worth

I don't believe in looking through another's eyes to see myself...
I used to
I could not see me
no matter how hard I tried....
well that didn't get me anywhere
I just had a completely disillusioned and messed up view of myself.

Today I ran
I decided to write about it
not to brag about my miles
they were an ugly 10 miles..
I am not pleased with where I am in terms of my running
each day
I start again...
that's what I am doing now
in the last year lots of things I believed in
people especially
have let me down...
well its my own fault really
I should never have given any of you the power to do so...
I am to blame
not any of you...

I thought a community existed
it never did...shame on me for buying the timeshare
in the swamp...

Grown ups waging battles on FB and email and text
cyber bullies
battles that neither side even really knows what the hell they are fighting for...a bunch of stupid lemmings, getting involved taking sides...

I don't care anymore
all I ever wanted to do was run
and at some point along the way I lost that..

I am tired of many of you
but I am even more tired of me : )

in truth its probably not even you I am tired of...
I don't pay a lot of attention to what your doing
your welcome to mess up your life..
I like hot messes : )

I guess I am just sick and tired of worrying what any of you
think of me...
that's it in a nutshell...

I don't owe any of you a thing
I did not lie to you
or cheat
or steal
or make promises I couldn't keep
I did not use you
take from you
stand on you to get what I want
I am not guilty of any of your life choices
and so why did I ever let what you had to say
bother me?

what a waste...

Choose your code
and stick to it....

My code is
above all else

My code is:
calling myself out
taking myself to task when need be
owning all my baggage

My code is:
to call out the elephant in the room
even when I will end up standing in a big pile of its poop

its a simple as that..
stick to my code
and stop worrying about whether or not you stick to yours...

what's your code?
you don't have to tell me..
I don't really care...