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Tuesday, June 16, 2015

A sense of self can't be paid for...

just stop
thinking you need others to give you a sense of self
you are worth so much more than that..
one of a kind
you can't be bought..
create your own adventure
and the money
you would have sent to false gods
give that to the future...
save a child
save an animal
pay it forward...
line the pockets of those that draw a circle
and close others out...
do not
allow the words
to enter into your world...
f@ck mandatory
choose your own gear list...

for yourself
what is important
what matters
what you will carry close to your heart
let others
tell you how to challenge yourself..
what the hell do they know
about you?

to the false prophets
owed something
GIVE ME what is owed to me
because to you
money = sense of self
guess what?
money is sh@t...
it means nothing

if I was starving
someone would feed me
if I was cold
someone would give me shelter
and all that person
a person with
would ask in return
pay it forward..

DO NOT let someone tell you what to wear..
what to carry
what to drink out of
DO NOT allow their threats of
and fines of 10,000
frighten you into becoming

When will the mass marketing of a person's soul stop!?
How can you think one man can create your quest?

any man who claims that they can help you find the best in yourself while simultaneously destroying others around them for greed, money and fame...
that man is no guru
that man is a false prophet...
he will lead you away from yourself..

you know you
better than anyone..

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Barkley 2015

I showed up Friday at midnight
the next day I ran a loop and got all 12 pages I needed
and then the bugle was played at the yellow gate
as I had been an hour over the cutoff returning
I got in my rental car
headed to the airport
had to stop
fell asleep on side of the road
got woken up by a cop
made it to the airport
and flew home

I learned some things..
you can take em to heart 
or ignore them
doesn't really matter to me

1) You can show up at midnight the night of the race, its not smart but it wont affect your chance of finishing...well unless you miss the bugle...
2) You don't need any fancy gear to finish in fact gear won't matter in the least
3) People on the Barkley list can be bullies 
4) Most people on the Barkley list don't like bullies (but they would rather tell you that privately then say that on the list) 
5) People all have their own personal connection to Barkley, and for some people on the list 
well they like to tell you that yours is wrong 
(which I find really funny)
telling a person their PERSONAL reason for being there isn't good enough...
kills me : )  
I thought I was an idiot...nah I am Einstein compared to some.
6) laz is actually a really nice guy and he does a sh%t load of work to make this happen
7) If you think you can finish Barkley you are sorely mistaken
8) You are not prepared to run Barkley until you actually run Barkley and fail and even then you still aren't ever really prepared to run Barkley.
9) If you want to run this race for bragging rights or to check off a bucket list item I would have in the past said "don't bother the race is not for you" 
but now I say...
YES do try to run the race!!!!
The fact that you will fail will probably do you some good...
teach you humility..
Barkley doesn't really eat its young...
it plays with you like a cat does with a mouse..
if your lucky you will just give in and lie there in defeat 
it will get tired of you and turn its attention away 
in that second you can crawl to safety...
but you will NEVER be the same.
So yes
sign up for Barkley
Write your essay sharing all your accomplishments 
and tell laz it will be YOU that finishes 
that you NEVER give up
that Barkley has been waiting for someone like you to attempt it...
lick your wounds
and then 
smarten up...

My personal time on the course was horrifyingly fantastic 
but it was MY time
you don't need to hear it
if you want
go and try to have your own personal connection to Barkley
but know this
people will tell you 
A) you don't have a right
B) you are not worthy
C) other really stupid stuff
my advice..
ignore them
listen to the ones who email you off list
the ones who write
have fun
run your race
do what you can
be thankful for the experience"

Did it change me?
it made me realize
people can be jerks
they can also be the kind of person you want to climb Rat Jaw with.....

Sunday, March 15, 2015

popcorn for dinner

Had my first run since injuring my ankle at the 100 mile snowshoe.  The area around my ankle is still a puffy fluid filled mess can you say cankle?

BUT I managed to run/walk 10 miles with Finny and do a 3 mile hill run on treadmill at 15 elevation...doing 15 minute miles at that elevation on the treadmill is NOT enjoyable but it is worth doing in my book.


I am just tired of it..
the talking that is..
not the doing...

It's not that I don't care
It's just that I don't care..

I don't feel the need for outside accolades...I guess I don't care if people like me or not
The small handful of you that actually read this blog..well most of you have been reading it on and off since I started it over 7 years ago...
I deleted the earliest 3 years of my blog..
to be honest I couldn't tell you why...
probably the same reason I burned everything I carried with me from age 5 to age 43..
probably the same reason I deleted every photo album from my computer...
probably the same reason I deleted my FB account without backing up a single picture...
Its just a waste of time.
I already lived through it..
no use crying over spilled milk
and certainly no reason to care what any person thinks about the 45 years I have been on this planet..

When I am through with my life I will probably have deleted permanently and or burned  most things that would tell the story of me
I mean seriously
who honestly needs to know the story of me when I am gone?

I don't care about accomplishments any more...
awards, trophies, medals, articles
none of it matters
I don't want to be known through any of the things accomplished in my past
that person no longer exists...
so what she did no longer holds any weight
its worth

I don't believe in looking through another's eyes to see myself...
I used to
I could not see me
no matter how hard I tried....
well that didn't get me anywhere
I just had a completely disillusioned and messed up view of myself.

Today I ran
I decided to write about it
not to brag about my miles
they were an ugly 10 miles..
I am not pleased with where I am in terms of my running
each day
I start again...
that's what I am doing now
in the last year lots of things I believed in
people especially
have let me down...
well its my own fault really
I should never have given any of you the power to do so...
I am to blame
not any of you...

I thought a community existed
it never did...shame on me for buying the timeshare
in the swamp...

Grown ups waging battles on FB and email and text
cyber bullies
battles that neither side even really knows what the hell they are fighting for...a bunch of stupid lemmings, getting involved taking sides...

I don't care anymore
all I ever wanted to do was run
and at some point along the way I lost that..

I am tired of many of you
but I am even more tired of me : )

in truth its probably not even you I am tired of...
I don't pay a lot of attention to what your doing
your welcome to mess up your life..
I like hot messes : )

I guess I am just sick and tired of worrying what any of you
think of me...
that's it in a nutshell...

I don't owe any of you a thing
I did not lie to you
or cheat
or steal
or make promises I couldn't keep
I did not use you
take from you
stand on you to get what I want
I am not guilty of any of your life choices
and so why did I ever let what you had to say
bother me?

what a waste...

Choose your code
and stick to it....

My code is
above all else

My code is:
calling myself out
taking myself to task when need be
owning all my baggage

My code is:
to call out the elephant in the room
even when I will end up standing in a big pile of its poop

its a simple as that..
stick to my code
and stop worrying about whether or not you stick to yours...

what's your code?
you don't have to tell me..
I don't really care...

Friday, January 30, 2015

Financial freedom aka having a savings account

Today for the first time in say 20 years I have absolutely NO DEBT...
no car loan
no insurance to pay (paid off for year)
no mortgage
no school loans
no credit card debt
no loans of any kind...

Yep for the first time since I was 28 years old I can actually put money in a savings account.
I have been living paycheck to paycheck and accumulating credit card debt
NOT because I live above my means...
It was to pay for my doctorate, to pay for rent when a crazy room mate disappeared with a 8 month lease in Arlington, and to help support my parents.

But 5 minutes ago I became debt free...
I only have my Verizon bill in my name
of course I pay rent and money towards home expenses...
nothing is in my name...
It feels like I am floating..

I have gone without to make sure my debt was paid off..
no new clothes or gear or vacations or facials
just the occasional purchase of used clothes, a cheap meal out, and race fees...
and by doing without
I now have the power
to make choices with my money..

Funny thing is...
instead of wanting to accumulate more stuff...
I actually feel like getting rid of more stuff..

Instead of a resort vacation with fruity drinks...
I want to go on an adventure...
a road trip with Finny down south to
stay at a Hostel and play in the mountains with a dear friend...

Its not so much that I suddenly have this load of money
and that is what makes me feel free...
it is that
I don't owe any thing
and more importantly I don't feel the need to
buy anything..
I can money in savings
and I did...
for the first time in I don't know how long...
I have an emergency fund...

to keep the Subie going
to pay for doggie daycare and a monthly puppy spa treatment for Finny
to give to loved ones or friends who need it...
to give to causes I believe in....

Truly I feel more free then I have in a long time....
Money  = happiness?
It is
Freedom = happiness : )

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Thoughts I have been mulling over aka I don't have the answers

A friend once said to me
"I have to do what is best for me"

I have thought a great deal about that statement
it has made me question....
Should that always be the case?
Do we always have to do "what is best for us?"
Are there ever instances where what is really
for the best is not the thing that would benefit you
but instead the thing that actually may hurt you?

I have learned that real friends are a gift
you can't take them for granted
they are true friends
Then there are those
that really just want

they NEED to be
Does Middle school ever really end?

What does it really mean when someone claims to
"take no sh*t"?

Is it something to admire in someone
or is it just an excuse
for not owning your sh@t?
I know someone who describes themselves
taking no sh*t
and this person is actually pretty weak..
Do people think strong words
make them strong?

Is the past something you can keep using
as an excuse for things you do in the present?

When has enough time gone by
where you should stop depending on past
sadness, hurt or anger
to get GET you something in the present?

Is it possible that the seemingly sweetest person
is not authentic...
but the bastard is?
Is authenticity another word for honesty?
Could it be
when it really matters
the bastard will have your back...
while the sweetest will turn away?

Is love real
when the person who states it
ends up hurting you the most?

maybe it is "real" love
love for self
and not love for another...
are there people who are incapable
selfless love?

Do people who make up their own history
so obviously misinterpreted
so sadly filled with lies...

do they ever look in the mirror
and see their true self?
and if they do...
do they care?

Does my fear
both rational and irrational 

hold me back
keep me safe?
in the end
does it matter?

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Wapack aka Finn's training for "Bark"ly

Finn the wonder dog on the Wapack Trail
Sometimes you need to return to old haunts
Monadnock Sunapee
places that have been
and always will be
you can't capture what has have the memory
but don't depend on that to bring you joy..
you need to earn your bliss...

I thought I would need to leave what is known to prepare for Barkley....
in truth that was fear talking...
running away because I am not strong enough
to stay here and risk failing
I didn't train enough
I got caught up in stuff
I couldn't get out of my own way

I realize..
If I have to run away
become a hermit
just to succeed at something...
well I am a caricature
I need to have faith in
I NEED to believe in
I need

The mountains are still there
many more to climb
The trails are there
many more to wander

The story of me..
I do not need to search for
far and wide
it is with me all the time
it can be read
on the soles
of my Altras

Monday, January 12, 2015

Tabata and farting

I met up with my non CF trainer Emilie today after Lego club at school. This paleo diet thing has been giving me a huge meat belly....I am so hungry today I ate an entire package of bacon the calories of an entire package of jerky are not the issue as it was only like 220...
but the sodium
holy smokes batman!
When I showed up at the gym I could barely pull my shorts up over the gaseous bloated thing formally known as "belly".

we go to our area of the gym and Emilie informs me we are doing a tabata work out and proceeds to break up the training into 4 minute increments of two exercises with a minute rest in between (just enough time for her to tell me what to do next) each set.  For example 20 seconds of burpees to 20 seconds jumping jacks back to burpees to jumping jacks for four min. Next squat jumps and squat holds back and forth for four minutes.  Then push ups and plank jumps.  Followed by MT runners and tripod planks followed by...well you get the gist...

So having a giant bloated belly it did not surprise me that jumping jacks became
jumping farts.....

Why I love Emilie is
much like me
she is not embarrassed by her body
like me admits to body hang ups
she is a great trainer because she is in great shape and motivates me but also because
she does not pretend to be perfect.
and most importantly
she finds farts
just like me...
Yes I am not ashamed to admit I am a 45 year old woman in a gym surrounded by high school boys and Emilie and I are giggling like school girls because I keep farting...
life is good : )
the best part?
My belly feels much better...

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Lake Running aka Finny goes wild

Across the street is a lake
there is a shared dock for my neighborhood
and a beautiful town beach completely redone this summer.
Behind the house are a great network of trails to run....
just walk out the door and there you are.
Finny goes unleashed on the trails
and now
Finny has experienced running the perimeter of the lake.
and of course
she was unleashed.
5 and half miles for the perimeter...measured it today.
This turns out to be a total boon in terms of training, because I can throw on my yaktrax or prepare my screw shoes and just walk across the street and the dark...and I don't have to worry about cars...
Well maybe,
but I think with my headlamp and handheld the odds of me getting run over by a snowmobile are far less the getting hit by a car running on roads in the early winter darkness.
Ran a loop this morning with Doc and I will take Finny out just when the sun starts to set for another loop.
The goal for the rest of January will be to continue CF at 5 am but to get at least 2 loops in between 3 and 6 pm 3 times a week, run long with Jules on Saturday and Sunday get in another long run.  I will also do restorative yoga 1 or 2 days.
My training will change come February 1st...
I am not sure where I will be...
I do know that it will be time to get serious
I have one or two things I would like to accomplish in 2015 : )
and sleeping more is not one of them.

Friday, January 9, 2015

I decided to start anew, to strip away what I had been taught
Georgia O'Keefe

Standing on the edge
my heels slightly off the dock
my arms over my head
eyes closed
breath held..


Face lined
creases speak volumes
growing into my new skin
wisdom is gained
when collagen is lost...
If you remain static
roots grow deep
soil beneath can
lose nutrients
a seed can be carried
far away
you float
you notice
all around
in its momentum

I am the tree
I can be the seed as well
it is my choice to make..

All choices made as an individual
will affect those around you
none of us live in complete isolation...
even those who live apart from other humans
you are still part of

roots = comfort
that which is KNOWN...
at 45
I have earned these deep roots....
at what cost?
should my energy be best spent on growing deep
or should it be on spreading out..away from that

If comfort was to be lost
in return for helping another
well that is an easy choice
dig up roots...
spread seed...
its not for another..
my choice will affect others
shallow roots or deep roots
either choice will have repercussions

when is being selfish
the right choice???

What if a tree said
all energy goes into my roots
growing deep and secure
of spreading seeds?
tree said
soon I will be ready
to let go of my seeds
for now
I have earned the right
to sit
to meditate deeply
to remain still
this too is worthwhile


what if you wait to long?
then you find
you have
or worse
a storm will come
and it will be too strong for you
and your roots
will rip
from soil
and you end up
covered in moss
a comfy place for others to sit
their safety, their home..

is that such a bad thing???

I don't have the answer
I am afraid
there won't be a black or white

I have learned...

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Maybe TODAY I finally have something interesting to say aka probably not

I have closed my FB account going on 5 months now.
I do not miss it...
not a smidgen..
I know NOTHING about what the cool kids are doing..
I am just fine..

I have no other life to compare mine to..
so I have no idea
if I am a big loser
or not....

I can't make any excuses...
hide behind any fibs of self preservation...
It is only me
and I can see all my truths...
I can't glossy them over
can't make them seem romantic,
the queen of never not broken
sits in front of an empty court

if I see my life as boring
its all on me...
No more FB persona
ticking off likes
each check...
a way to define my worth...

if I have worth
I won't know it from outside
actions towards others
moments in time...
I will never know
if paying it forward
made a difference
as doing it without
"Owning" it
on social media...
does not leave me with a receipt...
when tax time comes...
I won't be getting any refund....

no one wishing to be me
living my fabulously interesting life
maybe not
fabulously interesting...
fabulously off centered?
that's it...

my blog won't help me
create a persona
not like FB
it is only my words...
I am no longer taking pictures..
I have decided to actually
LIVE in the moment
instead of missing it
because I spent time trying to
and by trying to preserve it
I never really lived it..

just my words....
what I write here is basically the same
as me farting in church...
nothing anyone wants to come right out and recognize...
except the ten year old boy giggling behind me...
when they read this blog
it is as if everyone is kindly lowering their gaze
away from the girl in the see through yoga pants...
my blog is
my nudie bum...
its never gonna win a Bloggie or an Oggie or even a nasty smelly doggie..
or be made into a movie starring
Reese Witherspoon...
Whither spoon...
if anything
it may show up as a You Tube short
Andy Dick
as me....

I like Andy Dick
he makes people want to avert their gaze
they are embarrassed
and much like Andy Kaufman
as the wrestler..
that is the ultimate goal...

this is my time to try on the singlet....