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Sunday, September 29, 2013

TEAM Death Race 2013...why I love these epic DNF's

I imagine it is hard to understand why someone would continue to do the death race when they have only managed to finish 2 out of 6...
the truth is
90% of it I consider an absolute blast...
the 10% that sucked?
anything that involves
water
this DR having to be a human dam
twice
well
that
just
excuse my french
sucked....
still I am very proud of myself for going back into that river after being pulled out due to shaking like a spaz...I was scared out of my wits during this challenge.... when we started the dam the water was at my belly button and when I was pulled out it was up past my chest...
and
I
can't
swim....
truth is I don't even like
showering
water in my face creeps me out...

It is what it is though so I don't mind admitting this as
there is no need to worry whether or not I sound like a whack job...
I am almost in my mid forties
I am too old to be concerned
the hell with it I say
I am gonna get my "freak" on
and just be ok with being me
and me loves DR and me always ends up DNF'ing due to the cold or wet
I can beat the crap out of my little body
but just let it be in warm sunny conditions for a change!!!! Where is the August dry spell DR Joe and Andy?!? I would crush that...have me hike or run carrying heavy shit for miles and miles and miles...that's my thing...stop sending me in that freezing water : ) and Peter B....stop pouring buckets of water over my head till I cry like a 7 year old girl....
dear god
just give me a break will ya : )
lol
Then again
It wouldn't be DR if I wasn't facing my fears...
It wouldn't be DR if it was easy...
It wouldn't be DR if I didn't fail and then ask myself the big questions:
why did I quit?
what made me choose comfort over my fears?
how an I break past these fears?
It is through failure that I will figure out how I can meet those demons head on
and go back
for a next time
and conquer my fears...

and to be honest failure does not take away the things I love about DR
and that is the people...
the laughter and jokes and hugs and smiles
the pooping exclamations by me to everyone and anyone within hearing distance (and Peter can read my lips so he is very aware of when I am going to poop : )
My team...Big Mike, Peter and Bob (and Seth who we missed so much!!!)
The fact that Peter and Big Mike did all the water burpees so Bob and I could get warm...and Big Mike  went in to read the underwater rocks for us...like 10 times...
The fact that I can honestly say I love these two guys...
the fact that I know Peter did not want to quit..that he suffered greatly with his messed up feet...
the fact that Big Mike could have finished but when he lost his team he decided to quit too...we finish together or not at all....it breaks my heart he did that...they are both such good men...
the connections with old friends
like my Jane
Jane who came in first woman
Jane who never gives up
whose heart is so beautiful
whose soul if we could see it would shine
she breaks my heart I adore her so much...
and Margaret...whom I see so rarely but
when I do It is as if we saw one another yesterday...
I am her biggest fan...
and
DanMarshallJordanMarkDarenPatrickLisaAnthonyRachelanneNeleAndrewEricPatrickNoahRonDarrinDanaChrisAdamMarkKevin(mooslestache!!)QuinnTomBobBobColeLukeJoshuaMarkMattDaveRayCristaPaul
JasonBenMichael and all the amazing awesome people I skipped because I have not had enough coffee this morning...
and Andy Joe Peter Don and Johnny.....thank you for the chance to be a part of something that reminds me why I am a very lucky woman....
see you at traveling DR!!!!!














Monday, September 9, 2013

The joke is on me....

I find it interesting that very few people respond directly on this blog but I get many replies through FB and email...so this blog post is about where I am at and is one of those positive ones that I have a feeling will get some off the blog responses : )

So if you have been a reader of my blog or if you are a friend or even an acquaintance you know my history with cancer and my history with  BDD, anxiety and OCD and LMNOP as well : )
I have been pretty honest about it in the hope that I may share something that will help someone else in some small way....
but I need to preface this with the following plea...
So here goes....

trust me....
please...

read this blog post knowing there is not one smidgen of bull spit in ANYTHING I write here....

trust me....
please...

read this blog post knowing that much of what I write can't capture the absolute absurdity and idiocy of things I have done to myself in the last 7 years due to self loathing and disgust......

trust me...
please...

read this blog post knowing that I am not nor never will be the kind of person who is trying to create some persona...I have no plan to write a best seller tell all....I am not trying to "create a persona"  I am not trying to
"market" myself....I am not trying to become a "brand"...

I am now and forever will be a quirky nobody....
I write this blog because it helps me...it always has....I have been doing if for a loooonnnnggg time...

my so called sponsors at the top?  Just a nice guy Bob Dion whose snowshoes I do use, My ex-boyfriend and dear friend Cappy Damon Sacco and my sweet beautiful friend Emily "kitten"Trespass.... I asked to use their names to make my blog look fancy smanshey so I could maybe get a free pair of sneakers for the PEAK 500 : )
it didn't work...
and that is because...
well I am a quirky nobody
and I like it that way....

so trust me when I tell you what I have to tell you....
I have been through the ringer and back...
I would never tell you something that was not true and I did not believe with all my heart...
I would never hurt another person that way...
I may be quirky
but I am honest...

So here goes.....
I have been working seriously on my issues over three months....
the last time I felt so at peace and comfortable in my own skin I was 7 years old
and at girl scout camp
and my nickname was "salami"....

First...
I have not had a BDD breakdown
I have not stood in front of a mirror and cried
I have not canceled plans and hidden under the covers because I was too fat to be seen
I have not eaten 10 granola bars at 9 at night because I am already so fat I think "what does it really matter?"
I have not bought an entire can of frosting at the Dollar Store and eaten it in my car with my fingers....
I have not starved myself the next day due to the guilt of eating said granola bars or frosting
I have not taken laxatives, 6 diuretic pills,  DREN or Green Tea Extract with the hopes of turning my body into a fat burning furnace when really it just makes me have heart palpitations and causes me to pass out on the course of an ultra and end up in an ambulance with a poor guy trying to push an IV into my shriveled vein...
I have not run away from a relationship due to the fact I could not handle the anxiety of not being able to obsessively compulsively exercise...say two hours in the gym after running a 50k.....
I have not pretended that my health issues do not exist...I have not lied to Doc and said "I am fine" when I am not...I have not played the "if I don't admit to it well it doesn't exist game" with myself....
I have not run away and left all my worldly goods behind to "start over" in a crappy tree fort with no insulation or hot water or stove because I was too afraid they would find out all my secrets and I would be unable to hide all the things I was ashamed of....because all I cared about was staying skinny because what I looked like on the outside was more important than what was on the inside...not because I am
vain
or
shallow
or
selfish
or crazy
but
because
I
was
sick...

So I finally went to my doctor...
I told her everything
most of it she guessed
and she said
good....lets get started...lets make this easier on you Michelle
and now

guess
what?

I am still me : )

I am still
quirky
wacky
silly
dorky
and a good kind of crazy....
I am the queen of never not broken..
I am Ren and Dory and Forest Gump and Rainman and MUSHIE and Roy and peanut

but

I am all these things and
yet dare I say it
as it may jinx me?????


I
AM
FINALLY
BALANCED

I stand in front of the mirror and do you know what I see?
I see
someone
I
really
like...

I smile at her
and say..
I have been searching for you for a very long time
welcome home......












Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Conari

Team DR is only a few weeks away...my anemia is so severe I can barely make it through a full day without feeling wiped.  Last week and this past weekend I was able to get out of bed every day but one to workout at 5 am...but I am giving it about 50 or 60 percent to Doc's 100...I have to sit and catch my breath after dead lifts with 60 lbs...ugh.... I feel faint and see spots dancing in front of my eyes..not that conducive to training hard.

Last week I ran home from work (a tough run through three towns with traffic nearly taking me out at every turn with no shoulder to run on) and I got in some hiking with my tree (it is kinda dorky to hike with but truth is: it hurts... its heavy... and I have to constantly shift it from shoulder to shoulder and when I am done darn my shoulders are aching!)  We also got to the bowl and I did stairs with the tree and Doc ran the stairs with his weighted vest...this past weekend we did some tough workouts in the home gym which I LOVE....but still I see Doc getting bigger and stronger while I seem to get smaller and weaker....ugh will there ever be a time that my body and my heart are again in sync?

This week I have failed two days in a row to get out of bed to workout.  Today i have ANOTHER doctors appointment which takes up so much time after work so I will be lucky to grab a workout tonight...and if there are more blood tests I am going to feel even worse....

but what can I do?
at least I can workout
at least I can train
at least I can TRY to finish TDR
TRY to run Pisgah
TRY to run Nipmuck
TRY to run Ghost Rail and beat 24 hours
TRY to run StoneCat and PR for my 50....

I may not be able to ever again be as good as I was in the past...but I can TRY...

a friend emailed me...
he was worried based on my last post that I have given up...
another online friend messaged me on FB...she has a way of making me smile even though we have never met...
I talk with Jules....she knows me...she understands...
My sweet pea Jane always has a loving word to send my way..she wraps me up in her love with a simple text....
Doc....he is a machine in the gym...he has the best attitude I have ever seen in terms of training...training with him is a blast...I see so much growth..he has lost weight, bulked up..he is strong he bangs out burpees when it wasn't that long ago he did not know how to do one!!  He motivates me...he tells me I am strong and beautiful when I lying on my back struggling to get a deep enough breath...when I stand up and start to faint he is right there if I fall....when I feel like my heart will explode...when I can barely lift my head, my face gaunt and bags under my eyes...he tells me I am gorgeous....

How can I not TRY when I have people like this in my corner..
How can I throw in the towel and just say the heck with it...what will be will be?
Nope that is cowardly
that is weak
that is not me...

I have this part of me that is embarrassed to run a race now knowing I will struggle when there was a time I was actually pretty darn good at it : )
I had so much passion and desire to be the best in terms of my athletic pursuits I put running and training ahead of everything and had no semblance of balance in my life...
shoot.... now that I have achieved balance my pain in the tush body is kind of jumping ship!

I never thought I would be the person who would have to take medicine to achieve some semblance of normality and calmness in my life...
..well truth is...
I am that person...

I used to think people who relied on medicine to be emotionally stable were weak....but I have changed my tune...
having come to the very edge of a cliff...something drastic had to be done to control my
 ED, BDD, OCD and anxiety would send me tumbling into the abyss...
I have other health issues to be concerned with I could not deal with an emotional illness when the physical illness  was so serious

and now I know what it feels like to look in the mirror and think
I like who I am just the way I am

Still...
now that my mind is on board and is a team player my silly old body wants to sit on the side lines
argh...
but what can I do?
give up?
I have a goal
it is to achieve balance
what that balance looks and feels like is specific to me...
but I know what it feels like when it happens...
I am moving in that direction...
it has not been easy...
why should it be?

I am searching for that elusive moment
the moment I know I have achieved
stillness in motion
when my emotions and heart and mind are at peace
but my body is moving forward with reckless abandon
when I am capable of feeling bliss again running trails but my mind is not filled with dark thoughts and angst
experiencing life with a feeling of calm...a feeling of serenity.....while at the same time trusting that my body will help me to achieve something great
my great....
not your great.....
how
can
I
not
try...

I can't