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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

winter heart...

"The moment we begin to hear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls."

It is the early morning of my first day back to school and I am here in the study looking out at the still algae blanketed water..its cool green surface with white water lilies and large blue heron a sight I give thanks for as it always calms my soul.  Is it possible to be both sad and content...maybe there is other words that better describes how I feel but I can't be bothered to use my thesaurus...so those words will just have to do...I am sad that I seem to no longer be able to go a few days without being sick and in pain...things that I took for granted...like the ability to jump out of bed at 3 and hit a 23 mile presi traverse... seem to no longer be something I can count my body to be up for....

What can I do?
only this...
stop
take a breath
and hope
hope it gets better...

It has been hard for me....hard to fail so much....hard to find I do not have the heart to push through the pain....
"Trying to find the truth takes courage and, if you are able to find it, it may well leave you feeling uncomfortable and ashamed.  Yet this honest facing of the truth may be the beginning of a priceless habit in which you will always honestly face yourself and those about you"

I have always asked of myself the courage to be brutally honest in this blog and in my interactions with others...many times I am admitting things here and in my every day life that make me feel like I am in a dressing room mirror...
in a bikini..
right after the holidays...
ugh...

I may be guilty of stupidity
poor planning
being a total head in the clouds nimrod 
but I am always my toughest critic...
and well...
to be honest...
I have lost some of my fight...
and
this
scares
me...
terrifies
me....

and yet
in this the cold chill of winter
the winter of my heart...
I find solace in the words of Faith Baldwin


"and I said to myself If I must go away, someone else will enjoy this tree; meantime it is here for me to enjoy...perhaps that is true philosophy, to enjoy, and be grateful for, that which you know you have, and if it is taken from you, to remember, holding it forever in your heart, where it cannot be lost."

amen

Thursday, August 8, 2013

a minor rant...silly silly just plain stupid silly

People can be
single single
or
single but in a relationship
or
single but with a life partner
or
married
or
divorced and single
or
divorced and in a relationship
or
?
I am sure I am missing some combination...
but the bottom line is a woman can find herself in one or more of these situations during her life time...
the question I have is where did the concept that a women in her forties who has never been married is somehow abnormal or suspect or should be deemed as being somehow "less then" a married woman or a divorced woman????

I am forty three and never been married or even engaged....yes I had boyfriend's and yes we talked about marriage and I even lived with a man from age 28 to 34 that I considered my life partner and yes I lived with another man and his children.... but no I was never "officially" engaged...
that is until this summer.....

Doc asked me to marry him in June while I was taking a bath after the TARC 100....I asked him to marry me a month later via FB as he was in Colorado and I was in Vermont.
I am pretty sure that he does not think I am
abnormal
or suspect
or less of a woman because I was never married..
(he thinks I am rather silly at times and a bit of a nuisance when I have an anxiety attack or when I walk around with my shirt pulled up yelling "my belly is sooo fat" but no... not abnormal : )

Doc is divorced.  I know it is not something that brought him joy...
I know most people who go through a divorce go through a very difficult time...
I would never say to Doc.."Your marriage didn't work that is a reflection of you as a human being..you are abnormal or suspect or less than other men who are still married or who are single"
I would never say that
because
well
that would be silly...
It sounds like something that would have been said during the times of the scarlet letter or better yet the witch trials...

So why would someone say that?

What would make a person say something so cruel and obviously not true about another human being?  To say that just because it took someone a bit longer to find a life partner or just because a person chose a different path to follow in their life instead of marriage in their 20's or 30's it makes them:
"less then"
abnormal
suspect

The world (thank god) is filled with people who are fighting the good fight every day...their battles may be with a different enemy but you know what?  The are really trying...
I know I have...
I try really hard to be balanced and calm and together...
it just doesn't always go my way...
sometimes I just can't keep it together...
no matter how hard I try...
but I don't give up..
I keep at it...
married, divorced, single
we are all just trying to leave this earth having made a positive impact....

No one has ever said to me
"you have cancer because your body is weak or inferior"
that would be crazy!!!!
So why would someone say
"you have been single into your forties because your heart, your mind, your soul, or your capacity to love is inferior?"

Nah....I don't buy it....
So if you are like me...in your forties and single or in your forties and just finding the right man (or woman) to commit to...hold your head high...there is nothing wrong with you
you are not
"less then"
suspect
abnormal
compared to other women...

no
you are none of those things..
you are me...
I am you..
we are all in this together....
let's not forget that...







Wednesday, August 7, 2013

July aka a simple happy blog post

Been a while since I have written...
been a super busy July...
so much has happened this past month...
I don't even really know where to begin....

In thirty days I:
started my own part time business training out of my home studio.

started what I believe will be a life long project that means the world to me.

Traveled to PA and spent time with Kev and his mum and dad



had surgery.
paced a runner to her second VT100 finish with Julie.

traveled to Pittsfield, VT to start my project and then had a wonderful dinner with a dear old friend Matt B.

met Danny R. on Joe's Mtn and made a new friend.

got engaged to Doc..yippee!!!!



traveled to Utah to see Margaret and Forrest and my turnip Kev and met his beautiful girlfriend Michelle.


got to spend time with the amazing Peros Deb and Steve and watch them crush a brutal course two weeks after they finished Hardrock

ran my 3rd straight Speedgoat with Kev  but  DNF'd at 25 miles and ended up in an ambulance.


got a phone call from Karl Meltzer checking up on me after the race.
decided to try some anti anxiety medication to see if it helps with my BDD which is a HUGE deal for me
have had the opportunity to spend quality time running with Jules followed by lazy days at the beach with her schmoops.

went to run my second Moosalamloammo (I can never spell it) John Izzo's amazing race in VT with Doc
finished a wicked 36 mile course crossing the finish line together.
got to see my sweet pea Jane as well as Jordan, Dana, Danny R. and Tara.

got to eat a HUGE piece of sheet cake after the race : )
got the initial go ahead from the dcr about a trail race I want to put on.

got a trail running RV from Doc as my "engagement ring".


far more positives than negatives...
I should have given my body more time to recover after the surgery before I ran a tough race like Speedgoat, but well...
I just get so excited about running
I guess I have a bit more faith in this tired old body and it can't always deliver....
still I would not change who I am...
even when it results in me pushing myself a bit too far...
I would rather my time on this earth be spent living life out loud then holding back as I know better than most..
you never know how much time you have...
and I want to spend the time I have experiencing amazing things with well amazing people : )

When I stop and think about how truly blessed I have been and how wonderful my life really is I get angry at myself or letting things like BDD and anxiety cause me angst....
but I can't continue to beat myself up over it...I can only live my life one day at a time...possibly even looking at it like one moment at a time to be honest..

Ultra running and DR...
these two communities have given me life long friendships...they are in many ways my family...
and Doc just seamlessly meshes into this world....and that is because he is an amazing human....I can't believe how blessed I am that he loves me...crazy little old me : )
Lately every day I wake up with a huge grin on my face....

I know that I am very lucky...
I have to make sure that I live my life in a way that I give back all the positive energy and good feelings
that have been so graciously given me...I think I have found a project that allows me to do just that....
and I have Joe to thank for that..
so
thanks Joe : )

So this is the end of  just a simple happy blog post...
but
knowing me I will have another BDD breakdown or do something monumentally stupid..
and, of course, I will share it here....
I am OK with not being perfect...
I am perfectly un perfect
and my journey to TRY to find balance has always been out in the open...
it is just who I am..
I like to share my foibles as they are often "shake your head" funny
and I like to think that the majority of you are laughing with me
not at me....
then again...
I don't think I really care which it is
as long as it leaves you with a smile...