Total Pageviews

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Recovery? I don't need no stinkin recovery...well maybe I do....recovery is not just physical...

I have jumped back into training albeit slowly as I cannot abide sitting still any longer!  I have a 6 mile run under my belt and a Clinton bowl with tree workout....and I felt relatively good for both.

I have set up my  in home training business and that makes me super happy : )
I am interested in trying to get some free group training sessions started at Hunnewell Forest across from my house...hopefully it will bring some clients in but more importantly it will be a fun way to meet some new people.

I have also  been ruminating about starting a trail race with a twist for awhile...Doc thinks it is a great idea....and I have some ideas floating around in my head.  The first is a September start weekly 5k at Hunnewell that starts with a hill repeat workout and ends with a timed weekly 5k trail race...my second idea is a loop course 50k at Upton Town Forest that has a special "log" distance for runners who wish to do loops with a log..I am hoping it can eventually be part of the TARC series or at least a fatass style race like the Mothers Day 6 hour done by G.A.C.  I love Upton and have been running there for ages so it would be nice to get them on board with a race and raise some money for the trails there...

I feel rejuvenated in a way from this last surgery...now that it is over and I have moved past the sadness of missing summer DR and Vol State I can now focus on the future.
I was a bit lost the last couple of months...trying to cling to the past or reinvent the past instead of focusing on where I am at and where I want to go..
I guess I forgot what is written on my back....
Relentless Forward Motion...
you can't find solace in recreating memories... no matter how nice they were when they happened....
nope...
you have to focus on where you are at...
now..in the moment
I am also pretty much an open book now with myself....
I know exactly what I have to work on still and I know my triggers....
no matter how much I may want to be a certain way...
I am...
well...
me

Me is always well meaning...
I want to be able to do certain things...
but my anxiety, ED and BDD issues are and always will be a big part of
me...
I am also in love with training and competing and I can't give those things up
as they are a big part of who I am
and
I like that part of me
even when that part is
well
is a bit crazy : )

Truth is
I really like my life
just the way it is...
I don't want to change myself
I want to work on some things
but not the things I like about me
It causes me so much anxiety and angst...
and well it is not really fair to ask someone to do that...
In truth I have never really understood it..
as I have NEVER in my 43 years on this planet
EVER
asked someone to change who they are for me...
I accept people....warts and all....
but for some reason I have experienced people wanting me to change
the very things I like about me.....
to expect me to give up everything
not willing to meet half way...
well
I am with someone who does not ask me to change who I am
he holds me accountable and supports me as I try to better myself
and work on my BDD and ED
but
well
he
really
likes
the Queen of Crazy Town
as it was he who gave me my crown : )

I am in a good place....
I guess recovery is not always physical
it can be mental
or emotional too...


Thursday, July 11, 2013

Peak 500 2014 aka nothing else matters?

well lots of things actually MATTER but in terms of my racing...PEAK 500 is the only race I have on my radar for 2014 (well that and the PEAK snowshoe 100 which I will not only finish but dare I write it?...yes I dare.. I plan on winning it).

This year I made the decision not to push for the 500 due to a variety of things....the TARC 100 and DR being two and three weeks out from the 500's finish, my health issues, my inability to clear my mind and focus on the task at hand.  At PEAK I broke down on the trails in front of Willy and Nick and just lost it...I talked with Matt B and was like "I can't do this I can never do this"...then I talked with Andy and said crying "I can't Andy I just can't" Others believed in me...I just failed to believe in myself

Andy left me a note in the barn on day 5...written on a paper plate...it said something to the effect of "you can do this but it will be the toughest thing you do". I read it and smiled because it meant a great deal to me that Andy believed I could finish..but too much mental baggage played a mind fudge on me...add to that the emotional toll of being bullied by our very own Rosie Ruiz and I was a total basket case....to do what Nick did I would have to be able to clear my mind of all the baggage I have stored there...to be bigger then the petty shit.... to be above it all.... clear minded and goal oriented...I was none of these things...

Little did I know that while I read that note, with health issues looming I had already destroyed myself for those other two races.  In hindsight I should have gone into PEAK with nothing else on the horizon and had my focus on only that race.  I was in no way mentally prepared to sacrifice myself to that race...and I am not in any way being dramatic using that term.  I fell apart at TARC 100 pacing Julie I was barely holding on and when Michael took over for me after 50 miles Doc drove me home and I crashed and crashed hard.  I have never felt like that and it was really scary...Doc said after the fact he was very upset by what he was observing in terms of some wacky neurological crap I was displaying...so after only 380 miles I was a toasted marshmallow imagine what I would have been like had I pushed those last 4 days to get the 50 miles a day?

well next year I will know....because I signed up for PEAK...and nothing I mean NOTHING will stand in my way from giving myself 100 % to that race.

I had to drop from Vol State due to surgery but I would have dropped anyway to avoid seeing a late entry to that race....I will NOT be around individuals with no moral code..individuals who cheat and lie and bully...life is far too precious to ever waste a second of it in the company of a person like that and to be honest I would not feel physically safe...so although I am sad about Vol State....I know now I need to focus on my health.  I have two weeks after surgery to recover enough to be able to run Speedgoat and I will go to that race and walk it if that is all my body can do : ) as it is not about the finish.... it is about seeing Kev and Margaret and meeting someone special in Kev's life...

I can honestly say that I have never been happier as I am right at this moment I think because I have some clarity...I have thrown out a lot of the baggage that has clouded my head.  I realize I can't be everything to everyone.... I can only be true to me.... hopefully that is enough for those that truly love me...