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Saturday, December 28, 2013

2014 aka the year I get back to my roots aka if ya wanta be a runnah ya run!

Yep...
been running...
4 hours on Friday
11 mile mtn summit Saturday
Sunday up to Joe's mtn
Take M with me to Rutland to
pick up Matt
train all day Monday on Mtn
Tuesday looooooong run
and Wednesday looooooong run

2014
I plan to run
every
single
day

2014
How Mishy got her groove back....
in terms of running that is....

I am going back

back to what got me so many ultra finishes
when I ran an ultra pretty much every weekend...
all
year
long
for 3 years
in a row

for 2014 to be a monumental year in terms of my athletic pursuits
I got to get my sh@t
together

to be a runner
ya got to run

I will still do DR
but won't bother to train for DR
I am a runner
one that enjoys carrying heavy stuff...
but in the end
I run...


Thursday, December 26, 2013

Beaver Brook aka how I like to spend my Christmas

I spent my Christmas hiking with Doc....
we went to Beaver Brook in Pepperell/Hollis NH
we put on our weighted vests and roamed the trails
to me
that is the perfect way to spend the day....

I am not big on a holiday being a "special" day
the special part is  being able to get outside and
do something I love with people I love...

Traditions I have started with Doc
Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years....
we hike or snowshoe..

We are the same in our feeling that parties with food and alcohol
is not how we want to spend the day..
nor are we into buying gifts....
we bought useful ones for one another...
toiletries from me
and
Doc paid for Japhy to be cremated
and new poles and an outdoor shower for Peak
but pretty much that was it in terms of presents..

I have never sent Christmas cards...
it is nice getting them from people
but I have never been a card giver....

I don't like
stuff
unless
stuff
is used
to do
stuff
: )

This holiday season really represents an end
and end to quite a few years of sadness...
I have rid myself of poisonous people..
I have found my way back to myself

I was talking to K.G. the other day and he said Andy
said Michelle could win a DR if she just got her ____ together....
haha

well I think I may just take that suggestion to heart Mr. Wineberg...
: )

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

when I was 25

I was just getting out of the peace corps and I was sick and living in a closet....
I will be 44 in a few weeks..
if life was different I would have a sixteen year old son...
but life is what it is
and I do not have children
I am blessed to have been given the opportunity to teach
so although I am not a mother..
I can be a mentor

I think back to the mentors of my youth
Connie Bellafatto my second mum
Mr Bruce Ford my high school physics and chemistry teacher...
Jane and Jody my girl scout leaders
Nipmuck Dave my trail running mentor

the only thing these people have in common was selflessness

This weekend I met a young man who dreams of giving back to his community
he talked of his dreams his past present and future...
and I thought..
what it would be like to have him for a son...
to watch him grow into such a man who wants
to be a positive member of his community...

I was once an idealist
now
I am a realist
but
not one who is bitter
broken
who brings others down
nope
I am a genuinely happy realist
I like to think of myself as a
caller
outter
of
baloney...

still

I am glad there are young people like M.
they make me smile in the midst of their
enthusiasm
it is sweet


I love social media
it allows me to speak my mind...
I dislike social media
as it makes heroes out of the wrong people...

the new guard
and the
old guard

a mentor
yes
but one with
eyes
wide
open...







Tuesday, December 3, 2013

trying to simplify aka do I really need place mats?

I have these 3 separate worlds
3 different me's
school me
athlete me
and green party member lover of John Hanson Mitchell and Gary Snyder and Kerouac me..

they make for an interesting
well
Mutt..

I have always connected more so with the scraggly mutt than the pure breed...

I
am
a
mutt

I want to own a trail running lodge
with yurts
and
a hand made giant log cabin with a central rock fireplace
for
amazing meals
and
there would be
loads of books
and comfy seats and cushions that you can sit on with your shoes...
and dogs and a big Maine coon cat
and
instead of indoor showers we would have old school saunas for the winter
and
outdoor cold water showers from an artisan well
and outdoor cooking
and bonfires
 and races
and mtn bike rides
and snowshoeing
and CONVERSATION
no TV
no WiFi
music would come from an old piano and a few old school John Denver guitars and whatever voices come to stay...
and life would be
about
the people who come into your life
and
the experiences you share with them...

no more
Whole Foods
no more
Starbucks
no more
Walmart
Marshalls
Target
Homegoods
Tj's
Home Depot
Rt 9 traffic
beeping and rush hour pandemonium
and anger from a stranger
because
they have to be somewhere
and their somewhere is more important
than
your somewhere

I would highlight my hair with chamomile tea
I would dred my hair and weave in ribbons
pretty ribbons
I would never own another pair of heels
just cowboy boots, trail runners, flip flops and my Italian hiking boots
I would learn to sew and or knit and cook vegan cinnamon buns
I would drink scotch under the stars
I would grow my own vegetables
I would have chickens
I would read my books
again and
again and
well again
until
I could read that book
to you
and
make
you
FEEL
your self inside the story

sigh
I want to run trails and build trails and do manual labor
but I am a
teacher
and a good one
but I prefer
to
be
alone
maybe that is why I am a great teacher
I
do
not
judge
those kids
that everyone
else judges...
Kids know
well that they are
safe
with me
that I will
NEVER
make them feel
that they are not worthy
I will not compare
one to another
but accept them all
each has a gift
I tend to want to protect
those that have yet to find their gift
those that are marginalized
those that look at the world in a different way
those that may
be
suspect
because
they do not follow
instead
they stop and sit on a rock
and watch the procession pass by
caught up
in the
flight
of a monarch...

Monday, December 2, 2013

Reaching out to an old friend

I reached out to S today... one part of a triad that was once known as the three musketeers....more like the three stooges : )

I asked S if he wanted to run with me...
I told him... lately I have been caught up in too much
just
too
much...

I didn't have to say to him
I missed you
he just knew..

Just like K
or
J
or any of the old peeps....

They know I miss them
they miss me
WE miss running
together...
some still run
but
not all of us together
not anymore

I wish
I had
that
time
back....

So I am feeling overwhelmed by stuff that just does not matter
and I feel like I have lost
lost a connection
untethered now
floating
away
from what does matter

off FB
quiet my mind
write here
express myself here
here
where there is no
mention
of
me....

I will not cease to be
because
I am not on
FB

I will not cease to be
because
I am not in "the loop"
in
"the know"
in
well...
never
have
I really
just
been "IN"

I am
a saint
and a clown sinner
but
being honest
well
that
just
got me
called out
for
rocking the boat

It is a game why can't you just be good and play along..
why do you have to call us out
we didn't ask for your opinion
WE DID NOT ASK YOU..
you judge us
yet we really
hurt no one
we give people what they want
you see
we give them their false gods
we let them forget for a moment 
how horrible their lives are...
we are the chosen few..
we give ourselves to the throne
and we allow them to place their gifts
at 
our 
feet
they want us
need us
who are you to tell me I am wrong?
I have 100 likes
what
do 
you
have?
You who are nothing
You who can't enjoy the ride, but always
have to call out
slow down
be careful
WATCH WHERE YOU ARE GOING...
Well
no one wants to hear it...
they prefer me
I am pretty
and strong
and I show you my life
and I say
if you are skinnier...prettier...stronger...have more likes
you will be happier...
I am shiny and new
what are you?
old
and 
cynical

They will always choose me....
stop wasting your breath..

Sigh....
probably
yes
what you say is probably true...
the majority will choose you
and the chance to
be you
if only through your posts..

but

today
I reached out to S
and I said..
lets run...
and
I will run
and
the run is for me
and me
alone
your right
I don't want that seat on the throne....
I'd much rather
them do their own run..
or better yet..
run beside me...







Sunday, December 1, 2013

and its not even 2014 yet...aka are your shoes kinda big???That's ok I will try them on....

but I am starting anew....all other posts are in limbo for now...so if you stumble on my blog it is not really me
because I have been put in my place

yep...
It has been made very clear to me that the person I am
is
well
disliked
why?
hmmmm
I guess
because
I speak my mind
because
I prefer funny silly pictures of myself
to glorifying that which is fleeting
something without substance
beauty

because
I do not brand or sell myself
because
I am not so shallow as to believe I am really worth more than
any
other
person...

because
I
Call
You
Out....
I call you out on your self centered fodder...
because there is no joy in what you do
you do it because you WANT something
people to worship you
to want to be you
because adoration from others
is how you
have  chosen
to find
your self worth..
you
of course
are free to make that choice
but
I am free to call you out on it...

I am not a young pup
I am old school
anything you do now
well
I have already done
I have nothing to prove
I never did
except to myself

vanity
I  am embarrassed for others who revel in this
because when I see myself I do not see physical beauty...
I never have
I do
see
inner beauty
the kind that comes about from being
truthful and honest
being the kind of person others will trust
that I will have follow through
that I
will walk in your shoes
even if they are too big
and if need be
I will carry you on my shoulders
I will do so without fanfare
I do not
do things
to make you love me
you who I do not understand
that I do not wish to understand
you
just
make
me
sad....

I am not afraid to stand up for what I believe in
I am not afraid to be the dissenting voice
I owe you nothing
you do not define me
I answer to no one


I have nothing in my life
that I can't own
and hold on to
life has dropped me
and I smashed
to pieces
but I put myself back together again
yes there are a few new cracks...
they were not there before...

and for awhile
I was afraid to speak...
but I know I need to...
if I don't
a part of me will die....

I have thought about this a great deal in the last couple of weeks
and I have come to some conclusions.....

No one has the right to tell me how to live my life if my choices never effect another person in a negative way..

We all must sleep
we must close our eyes and let our bodies and minds
rest
and when we do
we all have a moment
in the dark
where we can't get out of our own head
and it is at this exact moment
that every one of you
who do things to hurt others
realize
you are
weak

that you are guilty
of hurting others
to make yourself feel
like you have worth

why?

there are many people out there
who talk themselves into believing
that hurting others
judging others
lying
stealing
cheating
sullying someones name or character
is ok
that they have the RIGHT to do this
because
they
are
worth
more

I am here to say
no
you
don't

and

no
you
are
not

If you judge others
but you can't
handle being judged
without lashing out
tearing
others down...
you
are
a coward...

if this is you
I am here to say
I don't care how beautiful you are
how strong your are
the amazing physical feats you have accomplished
it does not matter
if this is you
ask yourself
why?
why do I feel the need
to make myself
into a character?
a marketable
THING
why do you value this
over your heart?

take it from me
it
is
fleeting
this branded you...
there will always be someone
faster
stronger
prettier
and
younger
and they must
like the story goes
slay their dragon...
you
are
their
dragon

Now me
I decided
a long time ago
that I like dragons

when you die
what do YOU
want to be remembered for?
Me
I don't want to be remembered
I want to leave
the world
just as I found it
because
I am not stupid
enough to think
I really matter
to anyone
but
my
own conscience..
I answer
to
no
one

Who
do
you
answer
to?




Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Stone Cat aka Turnip comes home aka Crystal's PR aka Tugger reunion aka skinny fat

So Stone Cat...Kev came form Utah and we were supposed to run the 50 miles together...but I had a cyst burst which blindsided me and made my body less than ideal for running a 50...so long story short I planned to show up and pace Kev for a loop or two...when I headed out from the start finish I planned to run the course backwards to meet up with Kev as he finished his 3rd of 4 loops...as i was running I saw Crystal and Michael St. Hilaire up ahead...I called out to them and Mike said "she needs you" and I knew that I would pace Crystal and Kev would be totally cool with that.  Crystal was walking and was quiet she had fallen and hurt herself...I sent Mike out backwards to try to catch up with Kev and pace him...Crystal and I made a plan...I asked her if she wanted the 50..she would need to finish the 3rd loop in 9 hours for them to let her back out for the fourth loop.  She said yep I want it...so I told her we need to move fast...we are under the gun...I said we will run all flats, all downhills, and all small hills...she said ok like a trooper and we were off...
head down mind focused Crystal banged out the fastest loop of the day and although she missed the cutoff by only 8 minutes she set her pr for that distance by 1/5 hours!!!


I LOVED every minute pacing her...and I realized something...I get far more joy from pacing at races then running them for my own finish...In terms of most races I don't care anymore about the finish..I only care about the time spent between the start and whatever finish I decide for that day....not only did I get to pace Crystal but I got a Tugger reunion too!!! Bill wasn't there, Julie was preparing for a visit to the hospital, and Rob was on the course but I missed him...but Dan, Steve, Kev, and Em were all there : )
I have been concerned as of late with my weight loss and loss of muscle tone...i am not one who takes "selfies" but this one I wanted to share...In it I am 106 and most of my serious muscle tone when training for DR's has been lost...I am very weak in certain ways..I basically am skinny-fat...like the women in Shape magazine who are 20 and long and lean but have zero strength...I DO NOT like being skinny fat...my clothes hang on me and I do not feel strong...but instead weak...the funny thing is I am 106 because my appetite is regulated now and I eat normal amounts of food and I do not binge it or starve myself....

A typical meal is as follows:

Breakfast
5 am 2 rice cakes with almond butter to take my pills and not get a sick stomach
8-10 am I drink a smoothie with 1/12 cups vanilla almond milk 1 cup chocolate coconut water 1 scoop vegan protein powder, 1 tablespoon each of chia, flax and hemp seeds, 1 cup blueberries and 1 tablespoon of almond butter

Snack
10:30 mackintosh apple

Lunch
12:00 whole wheat sandwich round with 1/4 avocado, 1/4 black bean hummus, tomato and 2 slices of organic turkey breast

Snack
tall skinny vanilla latte
1 protein plus kind bar

Before Bikram or gym
4 - 4:30 pm 2 rice cakes with hummus or sunflower seed butter and organic jelly

Dinner
organic chicken sausage stuffed acorn squash
or bison steak with steamed broccoli and spaghetti squash
or grilled chicken with asparagus and roasted eggplant
with 8 oz of Pinto Gris or Pinot Noir

Snack
7:00 pm sometimes I will eat a jello or a pudding cup if I feel like something sweet but usually no food after dinner

I only drink water and lemon seltzer water throughout the day

This is what I think is a good well rounded eating plan for me....but I guess I need to be eating more...
Doc and I joined cross fit this past weekend and we plan to go M,W and I am seriously into Bikram doing it T,TH, when I don't have a race... we will add a cross fit class on a weekend morning as well as Bikram on the other afternoon at  4....we also work out in our home gym on the weekends and early mornings when I can drag my lazy tush out of bed...when winter comes full throttle I will be doing my treadmill incline runs pretty much every day for 2 hours before Bikram or cross fit...and there will be a point where I will drop a Bikram and a cross fit to do long runs or treadmill work or snowshoe hill repeats to get ready for the 100 and the 500...

I guess I have never been at a point where my eating is "normal" and its funny because I stay at 106 even when Doc takes me out on a Friday night for frozen yogurt with all the toppings and chicken wings!!!
I can't say that I have it all dialed in because for so long my eating has been disordered and I have thought my body was always fat...now I look at my body and i see it too skinny and my face too drawn....I guess it is a good thing...but I have had to reteach myself all about nutrition...and I am still a work in progress...

Still I am pleased with the changes that are taken place inside my heart, and in my head...balance it is a constant quest...

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Ghost Rail, Records, Regret, Release, Replenish, Rejoice aka been quite a week




So I did not get the record for running 100 miles with a log, but I think 55.7 miles with a log is pretty darn ok dokay...I will tell you that running that long with a log, switching from shoulder to shoulder gets mighty painful and the overnight was somewhat difficult as you must be aware of your surroundings while running slightly out of step to keep the log balanced on your shoulder...I feel though that another record attempt is possible if I work on strengthening my shoulders and back and I run more races with log.  Truth is the only races that matter to me in 2014 are the PEAK snowshoe 100 and PEAK 500.  Unlike last year where I signed up for too many races and went in to race them this year every race I do is only for training...and if I am tired or need to recover I don't go....I see 2014 after PEAK 500 as being a year of pacing as I will not do any 100 for time only for fun or to pace someone.

Julie and I knew from the start of Ghost rail that we would run together...I had a goal of doing 3.3 miles per hour and never under but with Julie's mathematical brilliancy and Doc's Garmin I realized we could easily do 12 minute to 15 minute miles and not conk out....so we did the first 50k in 7:30 which with log is pretty darn speedy....we were doing really well till night fell and we started on mile 45...Julie's tummy went south pretty quick and Log was starting to be excruciatingly painful to my lower back...I had run 37 miles with log at Stone Cat last year and that took me 11:30 I believe that was the longest distance to date...When Julie's tummy went south and she started to feel severe pain and nausea I was very worried...our pace went from 12 to 15 to 17 to 22 minute miles....still we would have been fine slowing our pace from 1 am to 6 am and still had manage a 100 mile finish in 30 hours...the problem was Julie threw up at mile 57 and there was blood in it...I had thought when she described what was going on with that it sounded like bleeding ulcers...we are both severely anemic..I have suffered from anemia for a long time...mine has been iron deficiency anemia which means that I don't have enough red blood cells and so I am exhausted and sometimes have a real difficult time with fainting and I have very very low blood pressure...Julie has never had an issue with anemia and when we were discussing her latest blood tests and the sever pain and nausea she has experienced which led to a real tough time eating and holding down food it sounded to me like she was bleeding internally and it sounded to me like bleeding ulcers...bottom line was she was done at 60 miles...

I was not going to go on without her and since log was causing some severe pain I dropped it with Steve at mile 55.7...the focus after that was just to pace Julie to her first 100...if Julie wasn't healthy enough to continue there was no need for me to continue as i ran totally to see how far i could go with log...without log and with little training last year I managed 25 and change hours at Ghost Rail so it was not an issue of whether or not I could finish but whether or not I wanted to...and to be honest without Julie I just didn't care enough to get a 100...

Julie is the person I most enjoy running with...I love running with Doc and KZ but with Julie it is just really different ..we both want to protect and care for one another...we are so similar in everything from our health issues to our eating issues to how we see the world and what is important to us...she is honestly more of a sister to me than my real sister...She is my sister form another mother...she has been there for me through some of the most difficult things i have done..she has supported me at Two DR's and paced me at Peak 500...Julie and her kids have been a biog part of the Stone Stairs and her children have become very dear to me and to Doc as well...I want to be the person who paces her to her first 100 finish...it means more to me than most anything...it is an equally important thing as finishing PEAK 500....

We discussed what happened after the fact and we have plans...plans to help one another finish a 100 and finish a 500...

Also during this week I have ended a friendship...one that I thought was truly important to me, but turned out to be a false friendship ...a friendship that was causing problems with Doc and I...a friendship that was one sided.....

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately...So I think of Doc and I...we are VERY different...he is shy I am outgoing...he is rational I am often irrational...he is very grounded and I float around like a milkweed puff....he is quick to anger...and I avoid conflict...he stands strong in the face of an issue and I turn tail and run away.....I can turn my emotions from sad to happy in a nanosecond...he does not.....I am not afraid to live loudly and he is more reserved.....sometimes we clash...but the bottom line is...neither of us want to CHANGE the other...we just work on trying to ACCEPT the other...the key to a relationship working I realize is that one person does not change for the other whether they feel they need to to keep that person or whether that person is forcing them to change to keep their love...EVERYONE has baggage....and just like running for a plane at the airport sometimes you need to help someone carry their baggage if they have an extra carry on......

I have had relationships in my life and to this point every man I have cared for I have a friendship or mutual respect with...I have never caused problems with a past love... its just not my thing...truth is I have met good men that I could have settled down with but timing and my emotional, physical issues got in the way....Cappy D and I had a great relationship...I loved his children and I loved his company, but I was not at a point in my life where I could deal with not exercising and running compulsively so that caused problems between two people one who lived his life on the water fishing and the other who had to have her feet on dry land.....I ran away from that relationship and broke hearts..mine and his and two little ones I adored...I am not proud of that person I was, but he has forgiven me and understands where I was and we can text and talk and laugh and genuinely enjoy our friendship...I trust him because i know he would have my back....Dan was like that as well...I knew that I could count on him to be there for me even though I did not choose him...he was still my friend always.....

I thought I had that same kind of friendship with another man...but sadly I realized this past week after four tumultuous years of trying that you can't be friends with someone who cannot tell the difference between truth and lies....who cannot look in the mirror and deal with their own problems so instead put their problems on the backs of others...its funny because if you have been reading my blog for a few years you know about my past.....you know what a tough time I went through when I lost everything that I thought was important to me and I was really really sick...I hit rock bottom...and yet I was always open and honest and giving to the person who put me there...the woman who he loved and I believe now the only woman he ever loved or will ever love...she was at one time the person I felt took everything away from me...well now this person is a confidant and someone who I really like...she is funny and strong and like me wants to work on the things in her life that she can and she does so with humor and grace....she needs to know what a strong woman I think she really is...

You see I know now that this man pitted us against one another.....
I was used to make this other woman feel bad 
"why can't you be more like Michelle?  She is easy to get along with and there are never any issues with her" 
and to me he would say 
"I don't love her I love you...she doesn't take care of me and the kids she is all about work and friends" 
then he would talk with her and they would get back together and he would say to me
"I can't be with you as you just have so many issues and can't be trusted to be there for me and the kids because of your ED.  

sigh
foolish
we 
were
foolish

I realize now and I want to tell this woman that things were easy and there were no issues with me 
because I lost myself when i was with this man...
I did everything to make him happy and my own happiness became lost in the process...
I have no idea why I did this...
but the reason he fought with you  was because you weren't going to lose yourself to him...
So he was going to make you feel like less of a woman because you had a sense of self....

I would say to her I realize now my relationship was one sided...
I was not loved 
but instead i was just used 
a glorified babysitter 
chauffeur 
cook 
and maid....

I would say to her
you
you were the strong one....
and me
I was not...

the saddest part of all of this is when woman turn on one another because a man lies...
we turn on one another....
we fall for it...
sigh
we replicate the "mean Girls" of middle school behavior
at the age of 43...
we stop believing in ourselves
even though we do amazing things
we listen to his lies
and shame on us for doing so...

but no more...
I met a man who is strong
strong in the ways that matter
I met a man who is a good man a real man with integrity and honor

And I am strong
I don't need to keep friendships that are based on lies...
I know now what it feels like to be used and shame on me for letting it happen...
so that friendship
it is not needed
and that man
no anger
just sadness
I FEEL SORRY FOR HIM
he has destroyed so many things in his life and he will probably continue to do so...
and there will be another to take my place and her place...
and she will fall for it...
and I am sad...
sad for her as well  
I am sad for a woman who doesn't see the truth when it is staring them in the face 
because they would rather be with someone for the wrong reasons 
than be alone.....

at one time in my life
that was me...
never again....

Doc accepts me 
Queen of crazy town 
and all that comes with that title...

he does not want to change me
he would never lie to me
that is why
he is a man

and you who i know will read this...
you
are 
just
a little
boy.....

hows that been working for ya?


Maya Angelou said
There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you

that story is told
and so I say 

REJOICE 

you are now

able

to 

be

free.....
.







Thursday, October 17, 2013

Once a runner....aka I think today I will lay on the couch and eat frosting : ) aka balance is good

So I was looking for some information to share with my doctor when I stumbled on my cache of "Pride in Education" date keepers....These free education date keepers have for years been sent to my school by a company hoping that our school will buy them for the students..we never do...but the secretary knows I love them so for the past 6 years she has saved them for me...I looked through them and I realize I now have 5 years of data about EVERY thing I EVER did since I am anal and write everything down...


I grabbed one of the books from my first year really doing ultra distance....August to August here are just races I ran and it does not include training runs or gym....

8/2 People Forest
8/9 Oxford Dam
8/17 Savoy
8/24 Mt Toby
8/30 Woodland
8/21 Wapack (marathon)
9/6 Wrenthem
9/7 Curleys (marathon)
9/14 Pisgah (ultra)
9/20 Beaver Brook
9/28 Vt50 (ultra)
10/5 Breakneck
10/11 Diamond Hill
10/12 Monroe Dunbar
10/19 Groton
11/1 Jack London
11/2 Busa Bushwack
11/8 Stone Cat (ultra)
11/29 Fells trail (ultra)
12/27 Fatass 50k (ultra)
1/10 Fatass 50k (ultra)
1/25 Log cabin
1/31 Cape Cod frozen fatass (ultra)
2/14 bandit Martha's Vineyard 20 miler : )
2/28 Colchester
3/28 Fells Ultra (ultra)
4/5 Great Bay bandit
4/11 Northern Nipmuck
4/19 DRB (ultra)
4/26 Muddy Moose
5/3 Seven Sisters
5/9 Morfun Wapack
5/10 Mothers day run
5/17 Soapstone
5/24 Pineland farms (ultra)
5/30 Nipmuck (run for my Time)
6/7 Nipmuck Pace Kelsey
6/13 Northfield Mountain
6/21 Greylock
6/28 Cranmore
7/12 skyline
7/18 VT 100 (ultra)
7/26 Escarpment
8/1 Peoples Forest

my later years date keepers were even more packed...it seems as if I ran a race every weekend and some back to back....wow
I ran
a lot


I sent a message to Willy the other day asking him some advice about finishing the 500...
he said he couldn't really give me training advice
as he runs...well....just because he loves to run...

I need to remember why I want to finish the 500
I truly love running
when it is me against me
but
when running is about competition
I DO NOT LIKE RUNNING....
I do not like it when people do things like the 500 as a "bucket list" item
I dislike the term "bucket list"
People who want to do the 500 without ever doing a 50 or 100k or 100 first well
its a free country
but if you sign up to run 500 miles
it must mean you LOVE running
like Willy
like Nick
that is what you do
YOU RUN
you chose that over all other activities...
I know people who want Barkley
or Peak 500 as part of a bucket list
that list  includes finishing
Boston,
climbing Denali,
Gorucks,
WTM,
DR,
Badwater,
Ultra Beast,
rim to rim
Iron man
and whatever the top 10 toughest races are that year
or whatever is written up in Outside magazine as the ultimate things to do...

PEAK 500 is not sexy
no one is there cheering for you
you are usually cold and wet and constipated for 8/10 days you run
if one of the athletes is an asshole your stuck in a smelly horse barn with them for days
you get one meal a day brought to you otherwise you are eating bars and cold cans of spaghettio's or if Willy is there... a huge bucket of buttered stale movie popcorn which is surprisingly yummy or if you are lucky enough to be friends with big Mike P you will have two huge boxes of assorted dark chocolates given to you which you will eat 2-3 pieces of said box after every loop licking the smudged chocolate from your dirty fingers..

sigh
nope it ain't sexy
you are unshowered matted hair acne face smelly bum wet footed raccoon eyed age 5 years in 5 days
UGLY

then again
Willy
Nick
and me

we aren't sexy in the traditional sense ; )

and we love this kind of thing....

you have to be willing to break yourself down with absolutely no promise of kudos and notoriety....you have to do it because
you love it...

I used to run so much because I was running away from scary things
things I did not want to face
now I am not running away from things
I am running towards things

I have decided I will run only when I want to
and only for me
not for anyone else
so
PEAK 500
I will keep going back
DR I will keep going back
not for a skull
or a buckle
or my picture in a magazine

I go back to PEAK because
it calls to me
it is my crack
it is the pinnacle of the internal battle I have raged within myself for the past 8 years....
it is
me
against
me
and I have failed
twice
I am 0/2
I want to be 1/3
and like Nick and Willy I will keep going back
PEAK
my drug of choice
it sucks in those who love me
Doc
Julie
Kevin
they know
they will be there
Jane
Big Mike
will you come Peter??? Mike and Crystal???
will you come to my intervention : )
help me to kick my habit of finishing
just
under
400 miles....
help me
kick this habit

: )












Tuesday, October 8, 2013

I say goodbye and you say hello...hello hello.....now why do you say good bye when I say hello?

When I young
I was
well
strange

There are no two ways about it
I was odd....
my parents will tell you this.....
they said I marched to the beat of my own drum
which is fine
except it was an invisible drum..
played by a giant polar bear
that no one could see
but me
sigh

I am sure it was not easy on my parents
to have such an odd child

with my facial tics
and a strange need  to punch myself in my stomach
with arms that I kept tightly crossed over my belly
I would grasp my hands
as if in communion with myself
and wallop the hell
out of my stomach
I told my mom I couldn't help it
I did it because I had itchy things in my tummy
sigh

my poor parents
dear god
what the neighbors...what my elementary school teachers.... what the pastors wife must have thought of me...
sigh

when I was a child
things were different
I was always wandering afar without my mom knowing where the hell I was
If I was not at the beach (making friends with everyone)
or bringing a family of little people home to use the bathroom (yep true story)
I was walking through towns via the railroad tracks
pretending I was a runaway...
or making a fort...
of tree branches
and rusty trash dumped
at the sandpits
I would hide
watching the teenagers drink beer, ride dirt bikes and shoot BB guns at cans...
again pretending I was a runaway...
or a polar bear
or a runaway polar bear..
sigh

I spent all day riding Tonto and Ebony the horses living on a local farm
we rode them bareback through the streets
me, Roy and his little brother Tony aka Boofies

We would ride Roy's dirt bike in the horse coral...
I remember crashing the bike along the barb wire fence and ripping through pants and then skin..
the oozing blood of no concern to me
only what my mother would do when she saw I ruined my Lees
or playing army in the big tent
dried horse poop grenades..
sigh

I am lucky I was not abducted
but not lucky enough to avoid being hurt
adults could do or say things then that would never be tolerated today...
as children in the 70's
it was our job to be...
not seen
not heard
not a burden
and that was me...
I was pretty much left free
to live in my strange little make believe world
right in the middle of the real one...
like a bubble
blown inside a bubble
blown inside a bubble...
till it stretches
and hardens
and you can hold it in your hand
a world inside a world inside a world
all inside my dirty pine pitched ten year old hand...
sigh


My fathers hair is all gray
my mother's colored a pale brownish gold...
her wrinkles
are many
her wrinkles
will be mine
her hands with long fingers bent and curled from athritis
I hold her hand in mine...
they are one in the same
sigh

When I was a child I was a strange reckless little thing
yet
my parents never hovered
my parents did not helicopter
my parents
acted like
parents of the 70's
and
I
felt
wrapped
in
a blanket
of comfort and contentment
and I was never afraid
sigh

Doc
you lost your mom today
your childhood
can only be shared through your perspective....your memories
as the two people who would be able to tell me what you were like
as a little boy
who could help me understand
why you became the man you are..
are gone...
sigh

You lost your mother today...
you went to board the plane to go see her
and your phone rang..
and within a few seconds
you knew
she
was
gone..
you texted me

I cried at my desk during my grade 7 section 5 class...
I asked them quietly
please shut down the computers..
please go to the other room and put the chairs up
sigh

I wept for you
but also a little for me
I would never get to meet your mom
sit next to her
hold her hand
and tell her this..

I am far from perfect
When I met Bob I thought 
"there is no way he would be interested in me"
I am too silly
I have a lazy mind 
my body can't stop moving
so I let the one thing that can rest..
rest
so 
when Bob asks me
"Hey what are you thinking?"
and I answer
"nothing"
I am telling the truth.


I live my life loudly
I live it like a 6 year old
who has dressed herself for school
I take my favorite things and wear them all at once 
not realizing that they do not match

You see I started out having the best of my mother and the best of my father
and then
somewhere 
along 
the way...
this perfect combination of things
this balance of two perfect people
well
it broke.....
I broke

Up until I met your son
I had learned to live with these sharp edges 
and the blood that would spill
well
I would just look away

To be honest
there were times..
I looked on these cracks
and thought
"if I continue to feel this way
and 
if I do this long enough
I will just shatter"
I found solace in that thought

That was until I met your son

There are words that people bandy about
honor
integrity
humility

The truth is
I don't think I had ever met a man who 
embodies those words
honor 
integrity
humility 
as does your son

I have faith in him
so much so
that when I have no faith in me
his faith is enough for us both

The cracks are still there
its just Bob sees them
as prisms
your son
sees me as swirls of light
and not cracked at all

I am a patchwork of good intentions
honesty 
and kindness
I am that old worn quilt
and to your son it is worth far far more than the new perfectly stitched duvet..

Would you have seen my cracks?
or would you see my prism?
I think..
it would not have mattered
because you would have seen me look at Bob
and then you would have known...

I was sad last night that I could not come to CA to meet you
I texted my mum...
she wrote
"Oh Mishy she would have loved you the moment she set eyes on you"

When I asked Bob as we were planning a visit to see you
"Will she like me do you think...
you know I am kinda strange and silly?"

He replied
"she will like you very much...
just promise me....
"promise you what? I asked
"promise me you will just be exactly as you are..."

...no one has ever said those words to me

promise me you will just be exactly as you are

Thank you Mrs. Kenefick
Thank you for Bob
He makes me happy
I wish I could have said hello
instead of goodbye...












Thursday, October 3, 2013

skittles aka happy happy joy joy

I am sitting in the office typing
it is what I would describe as a hauntingly beautiful night....
I am here
drinking a glass of wine
and I am happy with what I have
I am happy....

I am...
after a very long journey
finding my way
home

I am no longer afraid
I am no longer angry

There are still many things in my life that are left unanswered...
things I am concerned about
my health is one

but

I am no longer afraid
I am no longer angry

I have not had a major BDD breakdown in over two months
I eat
I look in the mirror
and
I say to myself
It is so nice to see you smile

I am no longer afraid
I am no longer angry

Every day I arrive at school and I think
today I will make my students smile
I will show them how special they are
I am no longer shrouded in darkness
barely able to keep myself afloat
I am light inside
I let it shine
it makes my students smile
joy is contagious

I am no longer afraid 
I am no longer angry

I sign up for races
sometimes I go
sometimes I don't
I finish some
I don't others
I find joy in the journey
and focus less on the finish

I am no longer afraid
I am no longer angry

I will always be the Queen of Crazy Town
I will always be Never Not Broken
I will always be off kilter
I will always be searching for my bliss

yet
I am no longer afraid
I am no longer angry

I have to live with my past mistakes
I can't have children
I have loved children
A,S,V,A and K 
like they were my own
but my craziness
my fear
my self loathing
made me literally run away
from these little people I loved so much
I will never have the chance to snuggle
a little one again
to hold their hand in mine
and there is no one to blame
but me.....

I am no longer afraid
I am no longer angry

even though I have many failures
I believe I deserve happiness

I I now know what makes me truly happy...

it is to make people happy

I want to make people laugh
I want to live out loud...
but not be the kind of person
who loudly demands others attention....
I want to be remembered as being someone
who
leaves a trail of joy....
like Willy's skittles on The Peak 500 course
a rainbow of sweetness to follow
on the way to your personal bliss....

I am no longer afraid
I am no longer angry
















Sunday, September 29, 2013

TEAM Death Race 2013...why I love these epic DNF's

I imagine it is hard to understand why someone would continue to do the death race when they have only managed to finish 2 out of 6...
the truth is
90% of it I consider an absolute blast...
the 10% that sucked?
anything that involves
water
this DR having to be a human dam
twice
well
that
just
excuse my french
sucked....
still I am very proud of myself for going back into that river after being pulled out due to shaking like a spaz...I was scared out of my wits during this challenge.... when we started the dam the water was at my belly button and when I was pulled out it was up past my chest...
and
I
can't
swim....
truth is I don't even like
showering
water in my face creeps me out...

It is what it is though so I don't mind admitting this as
there is no need to worry whether or not I sound like a whack job...
I am almost in my mid forties
I am too old to be concerned
the hell with it I say
I am gonna get my "freak" on
and just be ok with being me
and me loves DR and me always ends up DNF'ing due to the cold or wet
I can beat the crap out of my little body
but just let it be in warm sunny conditions for a change!!!! Where is the August dry spell DR Joe and Andy?!? I would crush that...have me hike or run carrying heavy shit for miles and miles and miles...that's my thing...stop sending me in that freezing water : ) and Peter B....stop pouring buckets of water over my head till I cry like a 7 year old girl....
dear god
just give me a break will ya : )
lol
Then again
It wouldn't be DR if I wasn't facing my fears...
It wouldn't be DR if it was easy...
It wouldn't be DR if I didn't fail and then ask myself the big questions:
why did I quit?
what made me choose comfort over my fears?
how an I break past these fears?
It is through failure that I will figure out how I can meet those demons head on
and go back
for a next time
and conquer my fears...

and to be honest failure does not take away the things I love about DR
and that is the people...
the laughter and jokes and hugs and smiles
the pooping exclamations by me to everyone and anyone within hearing distance (and Peter can read my lips so he is very aware of when I am going to poop : )
My team...Big Mike, Peter and Bob (and Seth who we missed so much!!!)
The fact that Peter and Big Mike did all the water burpees so Bob and I could get warm...and Big Mike  went in to read the underwater rocks for us...like 10 times...
The fact that I can honestly say I love these two guys...
the fact that I know Peter did not want to quit..that he suffered greatly with his messed up feet...
the fact that Big Mike could have finished but when he lost his team he decided to quit too...we finish together or not at all....it breaks my heart he did that...they are both such good men...
the connections with old friends
like my Jane
Jane who came in first woman
Jane who never gives up
whose heart is so beautiful
whose soul if we could see it would shine
she breaks my heart I adore her so much...
and Margaret...whom I see so rarely but
when I do It is as if we saw one another yesterday...
I am her biggest fan...
and
DanMarshallJordanMarkDarenPatrickLisaAnthonyRachelanneNeleAndrewEricPatrickNoahRonDarrinDanaChrisAdamMarkKevin(mooslestache!!)QuinnTomBobBobColeLukeJoshuaMarkMattDaveRayCristaPaul
JasonBenMichael and all the amazing awesome people I skipped because I have not had enough coffee this morning...
and Andy Joe Peter Don and Johnny.....thank you for the chance to be a part of something that reminds me why I am a very lucky woman....
see you at traveling DR!!!!!














Monday, September 9, 2013

The joke is on me....

I find it interesting that very few people respond directly on this blog but I get many replies through FB and email...so this blog post is about where I am at and is one of those positive ones that I have a feeling will get some off the blog responses : )

So if you have been a reader of my blog or if you are a friend or even an acquaintance you know my history with cancer and my history with  BDD, anxiety and OCD and LMNOP as well : )
I have been pretty honest about it in the hope that I may share something that will help someone else in some small way....
but I need to preface this with the following plea...
So here goes....

trust me....
please...

read this blog post knowing there is not one smidgen of bull spit in ANYTHING I write here....

trust me....
please...

read this blog post knowing that much of what I write can't capture the absolute absurdity and idiocy of things I have done to myself in the last 7 years due to self loathing and disgust......

trust me...
please...

read this blog post knowing that I am not nor never will be the kind of person who is trying to create some persona...I have no plan to write a best seller tell all....I am not trying to "create a persona"  I am not trying to
"market" myself....I am not trying to become a "brand"...

I am now and forever will be a quirky nobody....
I write this blog because it helps me...it always has....I have been doing if for a loooonnnnggg time...

my so called sponsors at the top?  Just a nice guy Bob Dion whose snowshoes I do use, My ex-boyfriend and dear friend Cappy Damon Sacco and my sweet beautiful friend Emily "kitten"Trespass.... I asked to use their names to make my blog look fancy smanshey so I could maybe get a free pair of sneakers for the PEAK 500 : )
it didn't work...
and that is because...
well I am a quirky nobody
and I like it that way....

so trust me when I tell you what I have to tell you....
I have been through the ringer and back...
I would never tell you something that was not true and I did not believe with all my heart...
I would never hurt another person that way...
I may be quirky
but I am honest...

So here goes.....
I have been working seriously on my issues over three months....
the last time I felt so at peace and comfortable in my own skin I was 7 years old
and at girl scout camp
and my nickname was "salami"....

First...
I have not had a BDD breakdown
I have not stood in front of a mirror and cried
I have not canceled plans and hidden under the covers because I was too fat to be seen
I have not eaten 10 granola bars at 9 at night because I am already so fat I think "what does it really matter?"
I have not bought an entire can of frosting at the Dollar Store and eaten it in my car with my fingers....
I have not starved myself the next day due to the guilt of eating said granola bars or frosting
I have not taken laxatives, 6 diuretic pills,  DREN or Green Tea Extract with the hopes of turning my body into a fat burning furnace when really it just makes me have heart palpitations and causes me to pass out on the course of an ultra and end up in an ambulance with a poor guy trying to push an IV into my shriveled vein...
I have not run away from a relationship due to the fact I could not handle the anxiety of not being able to obsessively compulsively exercise...say two hours in the gym after running a 50k.....
I have not pretended that my health issues do not exist...I have not lied to Doc and said "I am fine" when I am not...I have not played the "if I don't admit to it well it doesn't exist game" with myself....
I have not run away and left all my worldly goods behind to "start over" in a crappy tree fort with no insulation or hot water or stove because I was too afraid they would find out all my secrets and I would be unable to hide all the things I was ashamed of....because all I cared about was staying skinny because what I looked like on the outside was more important than what was on the inside...not because I am
vain
or
shallow
or
selfish
or crazy
but
because
I
was
sick...

So I finally went to my doctor...
I told her everything
most of it she guessed
and she said
good....lets get started...lets make this easier on you Michelle
and now

guess
what?

I am still me : )

I am still
quirky
wacky
silly
dorky
and a good kind of crazy....
I am the queen of never not broken..
I am Ren and Dory and Forest Gump and Rainman and MUSHIE and Roy and peanut

but

I am all these things and
yet dare I say it
as it may jinx me?????


I
AM
FINALLY
BALANCED

I stand in front of the mirror and do you know what I see?
I see
someone
I
really
like...

I smile at her
and say..
I have been searching for you for a very long time
welcome home......












Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Conari

Team DR is only a few weeks away...my anemia is so severe I can barely make it through a full day without feeling wiped.  Last week and this past weekend I was able to get out of bed every day but one to workout at 5 am...but I am giving it about 50 or 60 percent to Doc's 100...I have to sit and catch my breath after dead lifts with 60 lbs...ugh.... I feel faint and see spots dancing in front of my eyes..not that conducive to training hard.

Last week I ran home from work (a tough run through three towns with traffic nearly taking me out at every turn with no shoulder to run on) and I got in some hiking with my tree (it is kinda dorky to hike with but truth is: it hurts... its heavy... and I have to constantly shift it from shoulder to shoulder and when I am done darn my shoulders are aching!)  We also got to the bowl and I did stairs with the tree and Doc ran the stairs with his weighted vest...this past weekend we did some tough workouts in the home gym which I LOVE....but still I see Doc getting bigger and stronger while I seem to get smaller and weaker....ugh will there ever be a time that my body and my heart are again in sync?

This week I have failed two days in a row to get out of bed to workout.  Today i have ANOTHER doctors appointment which takes up so much time after work so I will be lucky to grab a workout tonight...and if there are more blood tests I am going to feel even worse....

but what can I do?
at least I can workout
at least I can train
at least I can TRY to finish TDR
TRY to run Pisgah
TRY to run Nipmuck
TRY to run Ghost Rail and beat 24 hours
TRY to run StoneCat and PR for my 50....

I may not be able to ever again be as good as I was in the past...but I can TRY...

a friend emailed me...
he was worried based on my last post that I have given up...
another online friend messaged me on FB...she has a way of making me smile even though we have never met...
I talk with Jules....she knows me...she understands...
My sweet pea Jane always has a loving word to send my way..she wraps me up in her love with a simple text....
Doc....he is a machine in the gym...he has the best attitude I have ever seen in terms of training...training with him is a blast...I see so much growth..he has lost weight, bulked up..he is strong he bangs out burpees when it wasn't that long ago he did not know how to do one!!  He motivates me...he tells me I am strong and beautiful when I lying on my back struggling to get a deep enough breath...when I stand up and start to faint he is right there if I fall....when I feel like my heart will explode...when I can barely lift my head, my face gaunt and bags under my eyes...he tells me I am gorgeous....

How can I not TRY when I have people like this in my corner..
How can I throw in the towel and just say the heck with it...what will be will be?
Nope that is cowardly
that is weak
that is not me...

I have this part of me that is embarrassed to run a race now knowing I will struggle when there was a time I was actually pretty darn good at it : )
I had so much passion and desire to be the best in terms of my athletic pursuits I put running and training ahead of everything and had no semblance of balance in my life...
shoot.... now that I have achieved balance my pain in the tush body is kind of jumping ship!

I never thought I would be the person who would have to take medicine to achieve some semblance of normality and calmness in my life...
..well truth is...
I am that person...

I used to think people who relied on medicine to be emotionally stable were weak....but I have changed my tune...
having come to the very edge of a cliff...something drastic had to be done to control my
 ED, BDD, OCD and anxiety would send me tumbling into the abyss...
I have other health issues to be concerned with I could not deal with an emotional illness when the physical illness  was so serious

and now I know what it feels like to look in the mirror and think
I like who I am just the way I am

Still...
now that my mind is on board and is a team player my silly old body wants to sit on the side lines
argh...
but what can I do?
give up?
I have a goal
it is to achieve balance
what that balance looks and feels like is specific to me...
but I know what it feels like when it happens...
I am moving in that direction...
it has not been easy...
why should it be?

I am searching for that elusive moment
the moment I know I have achieved
stillness in motion
when my emotions and heart and mind are at peace
but my body is moving forward with reckless abandon
when I am capable of feeling bliss again running trails but my mind is not filled with dark thoughts and angst
experiencing life with a feeling of calm...a feeling of serenity.....while at the same time trusting that my body will help me to achieve something great
my great....
not your great.....
how
can
I
not
try...

I can't



Tuesday, August 27, 2013

winter heart...

"The moment we begin to hear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls."

It is the early morning of my first day back to school and I am here in the study looking out at the still algae blanketed water..its cool green surface with white water lilies and large blue heron a sight I give thanks for as it always calms my soul.  Is it possible to be both sad and content...maybe there is other words that better describes how I feel but I can't be bothered to use my thesaurus...so those words will just have to do...I am sad that I seem to no longer be able to go a few days without being sick and in pain...things that I took for granted...like the ability to jump out of bed at 3 and hit a 23 mile presi traverse... seem to no longer be something I can count my body to be up for....

What can I do?
only this...
stop
take a breath
and hope
hope it gets better...

It has been hard for me....hard to fail so much....hard to find I do not have the heart to push through the pain....
"Trying to find the truth takes courage and, if you are able to find it, it may well leave you feeling uncomfortable and ashamed.  Yet this honest facing of the truth may be the beginning of a priceless habit in which you will always honestly face yourself and those about you"

I have always asked of myself the courage to be brutally honest in this blog and in my interactions with others...many times I am admitting things here and in my every day life that make me feel like I am in a dressing room mirror...
in a bikini..
right after the holidays...
ugh...

I may be guilty of stupidity
poor planning
being a total head in the clouds nimrod 
but I am always my toughest critic...
and well...
to be honest...
I have lost some of my fight...
and
this
scares
me...
terrifies
me....

and yet
in this the cold chill of winter
the winter of my heart...
I find solace in the words of Faith Baldwin


"and I said to myself If I must go away, someone else will enjoy this tree; meantime it is here for me to enjoy...perhaps that is true philosophy, to enjoy, and be grateful for, that which you know you have, and if it is taken from you, to remember, holding it forever in your heart, where it cannot be lost."

amen

Thursday, August 8, 2013

a minor rant...silly silly just plain stupid silly

People can be
single single
or
single but in a relationship
or
single but with a life partner
or
married
or
divorced and single
or
divorced and in a relationship
or
?
I am sure I am missing some combination...
but the bottom line is a woman can find herself in one or more of these situations during her life time...
the question I have is where did the concept that a women in her forties who has never been married is somehow abnormal or suspect or should be deemed as being somehow "less then" a married woman or a divorced woman????

I am forty three and never been married or even engaged....yes I had boyfriend's and yes we talked about marriage and I even lived with a man from age 28 to 34 that I considered my life partner and yes I lived with another man and his children.... but no I was never "officially" engaged...
that is until this summer.....

Doc asked me to marry him in June while I was taking a bath after the TARC 100....I asked him to marry me a month later via FB as he was in Colorado and I was in Vermont.
I am pretty sure that he does not think I am
abnormal
or suspect
or less of a woman because I was never married..
(he thinks I am rather silly at times and a bit of a nuisance when I have an anxiety attack or when I walk around with my shirt pulled up yelling "my belly is sooo fat" but no... not abnormal : )

Doc is divorced.  I know it is not something that brought him joy...
I know most people who go through a divorce go through a very difficult time...
I would never say to Doc.."Your marriage didn't work that is a reflection of you as a human being..you are abnormal or suspect or less than other men who are still married or who are single"
I would never say that
because
well
that would be silly...
It sounds like something that would have been said during the times of the scarlet letter or better yet the witch trials...

So why would someone say that?

What would make a person say something so cruel and obviously not true about another human being?  To say that just because it took someone a bit longer to find a life partner or just because a person chose a different path to follow in their life instead of marriage in their 20's or 30's it makes them:
"less then"
abnormal
suspect

The world (thank god) is filled with people who are fighting the good fight every day...their battles may be with a different enemy but you know what?  The are really trying...
I know I have...
I try really hard to be balanced and calm and together...
it just doesn't always go my way...
sometimes I just can't keep it together...
no matter how hard I try...
but I don't give up..
I keep at it...
married, divorced, single
we are all just trying to leave this earth having made a positive impact....

No one has ever said to me
"you have cancer because your body is weak or inferior"
that would be crazy!!!!
So why would someone say
"you have been single into your forties because your heart, your mind, your soul, or your capacity to love is inferior?"

Nah....I don't buy it....
So if you are like me...in your forties and single or in your forties and just finding the right man (or woman) to commit to...hold your head high...there is nothing wrong with you
you are not
"less then"
suspect
abnormal
compared to other women...

no
you are none of those things..
you are me...
I am you..
we are all in this together....
let's not forget that...







Wednesday, August 7, 2013

July aka a simple happy blog post

Been a while since I have written...
been a super busy July...
so much has happened this past month...
I don't even really know where to begin....

In thirty days I:
started my own part time business training out of my home studio.

started what I believe will be a life long project that means the world to me.

Traveled to PA and spent time with Kev and his mum and dad



had surgery.
paced a runner to her second VT100 finish with Julie.

traveled to Pittsfield, VT to start my project and then had a wonderful dinner with a dear old friend Matt B.

met Danny R. on Joe's Mtn and made a new friend.

got engaged to Doc..yippee!!!!



traveled to Utah to see Margaret and Forrest and my turnip Kev and met his beautiful girlfriend Michelle.


got to spend time with the amazing Peros Deb and Steve and watch them crush a brutal course two weeks after they finished Hardrock

ran my 3rd straight Speedgoat with Kev  but  DNF'd at 25 miles and ended up in an ambulance.


got a phone call from Karl Meltzer checking up on me after the race.
decided to try some anti anxiety medication to see if it helps with my BDD which is a HUGE deal for me
have had the opportunity to spend quality time running with Jules followed by lazy days at the beach with her schmoops.

went to run my second Moosalamloammo (I can never spell it) John Izzo's amazing race in VT with Doc
finished a wicked 36 mile course crossing the finish line together.
got to see my sweet pea Jane as well as Jordan, Dana, Danny R. and Tara.

got to eat a HUGE piece of sheet cake after the race : )
got the initial go ahead from the dcr about a trail race I want to put on.

got a trail running RV from Doc as my "engagement ring".


far more positives than negatives...
I should have given my body more time to recover after the surgery before I ran a tough race like Speedgoat, but well...
I just get so excited about running
I guess I have a bit more faith in this tired old body and it can't always deliver....
still I would not change who I am...
even when it results in me pushing myself a bit too far...
I would rather my time on this earth be spent living life out loud then holding back as I know better than most..
you never know how much time you have...
and I want to spend the time I have experiencing amazing things with well amazing people : )

When I stop and think about how truly blessed I have been and how wonderful my life really is I get angry at myself or letting things like BDD and anxiety cause me angst....
but I can't continue to beat myself up over it...I can only live my life one day at a time...possibly even looking at it like one moment at a time to be honest..

Ultra running and DR...
these two communities have given me life long friendships...they are in many ways my family...
and Doc just seamlessly meshes into this world....and that is because he is an amazing human....I can't believe how blessed I am that he loves me...crazy little old me : )
Lately every day I wake up with a huge grin on my face....

I know that I am very lucky...
I have to make sure that I live my life in a way that I give back all the positive energy and good feelings
that have been so graciously given me...I think I have found a project that allows me to do just that....
and I have Joe to thank for that..
so
thanks Joe : )

So this is the end of  just a simple happy blog post...
but
knowing me I will have another BDD breakdown or do something monumentally stupid..
and, of course, I will share it here....
I am OK with not being perfect...
I am perfectly un perfect
and my journey to TRY to find balance has always been out in the open...
it is just who I am..
I like to share my foibles as they are often "shake your head" funny
and I like to think that the majority of you are laughing with me
not at me....
then again...
I don't think I really care which it is
as long as it leaves you with a smile...




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