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Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Selfies and the art of beauty maintenance

I found pictures I thought were lost from the years 2008 through 2013.  Many of them were selfies or pictures with someone I dated.  Many are from ultras or Death Races and when I found them I realized 
I didn't look half bad.....
It made me laugh
albeit ruefully

I lost a great deal due to my BDD and OCD....
to look back on that time of my life I see now there was NOTHING wrong with my body...
it was all in my head
that is somewhat heartbreaking...
If I felt regret...it would be about the things I lost due to years of
self focus
self absorption
and
self hatred....

what
a
waste

During that time these pictures were taken I was dealing with OCD and BDD....
what I looked like on the outside had a huge impact on how I felt on the inside.
Its funny...
for someone who hated the way they looked...
I sure have a lot of pictures of myself.

People with BDD obviously are obsessed with a certain part of themselves...you aren't narcissistic BUT you have things in common with someone who is.  You are so focused on what you dislike about yourself you make decisions about all aspects of your life based on that one thing you obsess and hate...
in my case it was my stomach.

If I felt bloated or if my stomach protruded the slightest I would spiral quickly downward both physically and emotionally and sadly this affected my social life and people I loved.
I would cancel any engagements that involved any social situations.  Especially any that involved eating or drinking.  I would usually use some sort of over the counter stimulant such as caffeine or diet pills while at the same time taking a liquid enema like the kind you buy at CVS (the person at the counter must have assumed I had a boat load of colonoscopies!) and then I would excessively exercise until I felt the bloat was significantly decreased.
Now you can only imagine the havoc this wreaked on my poor body...
a body that had a serious health crisis to deal with...
I spent more time fretting about being fat then I did about my cancer.

I was so self absorbed.  so anxious and out of control...
I would break promises and ignore commitments because it interrupted my ability to exercise or avoid food. I broke up with a wonderful man because life on his boat with his children (which was amazing and to anyone normal so much fun) made it difficult for me to stay scary skinny and to run (I would sleep on the boat in the yacht club get up super early and run 20 miles before he and the kids even woke up).  Running and food were constantly on my mind...if I ran my stomach would not look bloated and I could eat food...If I didn't run I had to deny myself food and drink for fear it would make my stomach stick out (which I actually believed was belly FAT).
sigh
so much anxiety
so much time wasted
so many tears
so much loss
all
because
of
my
stomach...

I rarely take pictures of myself anymore.

I never look in the mirror anymore
and hate what I see.....
in fact I barely look in the mirror...
I now know just who is going to be looking back at me and we are all good.